I fell in love

Never In my life, I thought I would describe something about myself like you’re about to read.

I’ fell in love with myself, and hard.

-This post first appeared on Krapsakas Substack on 06.03.2025-
If you’re also on Substack, come and follow Krapsakas there :).

Photo: “Elegant Day of the Dead Costume Portrait”. Autor: Jonathan Hidalgo

I remember years ago seeing a news headline about a woman marrying herself. I thought to myself, what a strange event.
Over the years, I’ve heard phrases here and there about how people love themselves unconditionally.
I thought, how wonderful. They love themselves.

Over the past few years, I’ve also learned to love myself.
But the way I literally fell in love with myself at the end of last year – the beginning of this year.. just wow!

It’s one thing to love yourself in a way that you don’t allow others to hurt you, you take care of yourself, and you say nice words to yourself.
But a completely different, much deeper kind of self-love begins when you start to love yourself as you are.
I know, I know! This may sound very strange or egotistical. But listen up!

If I ask right now from you- “How would you describe the feeling when you’re in love with someone?”
The answer would probably be something like this – I feel like I’m in seventh heaven. It’s unbelievable how much I smile and how good a mood I’m in! I feel so happy! When I look in the mirror, I see how my eyes sparkle.

Well! That’s how I have felt since the moment I started loving myself exactly for who I am.
And when I use the phrase “for who I am,” I also mean those qualities and aspects of me that are not so nice at all. Where I behave badly with someone or with myself. But nevertheless, I love myself. I love myself and understand that I am just a human who has come to this planet to experience and learn human feelings.
This love for myself grew stronger from the moment I let go of my self-hatred for the aspects of myself that others highlighted as bad in me.

But what are the “bad sides” anyway, you might be wondering?
I’m very talkative, I have a lot of energy and lots of ideas and thoughts. I move around a lot. And there are days when I can’t even stay still in the bottle.

At the age of 28, I was diagnosed with ADHD on the hyperactivity spectrum.
I really hated this side of myself because it made getting along with other people (who didn’t have it) much more difficult.
I can’t count how many times I’ve been told that there’s too much of me, I talk too much, and I have too many ideas..
It wasn’t until about a year after my diagnosis that things started to fall into place for me. I realized that I had chosen to surround myself with a lot of people who simply didn’t fit me as a human being.
I gradually started to cut people out of my life. Only those who accepted me for who I am remained.

Do you know HOW FUCKING GOOD it feels to just be yourself? Whether you’re having a bad day or a super good day, you allow yourself to be yourself.
It’s fucking amazing! It’s like breathing fresh air in pure nature on a beautiful sunny spring day, with birds singing in the background and the sweet smell of flowers in the air 🌸.

Photo: “Elegant Woman in Red Dress Surrounded by Birds”. Autor: Hoàng Bầu

From the moment I embraced who I am with all my goodness and badness (c’mon, none of us are angels, even if we want to think so) things started to change. And change pretty fast.

While I used to get negative comments about how there’s too much of me and how I should pull myself back, and make myself smaller, now I get compliments.
Those compliments about my character, those same areas where I was otherwise a very bad person (according to other people) were suddenly instead: “Wow! You’re so cool! You have so many cool ideas!” etc.

Did I change my character? The short answer is “no.”

All I did was accept and embrace myself.
Yes! I am hyperactive.
Yes! I have a lot of ideas.
Yes! I talk a lot.
Yes! I have a lot more energy than other “normal” people.
But that’s what makes me me! And I love myself the way I am!

Anyway, we are all different as people. Even if you and I were twins, our personalities and outlook on life would be different. That’s what makes us unique!

And oh boy! What a beautiful soul I am! How many quirks there are in me! What a big and loving heart I have! How great and sarcastic my humor is.
I love how I stand up for others who need that. How I give small gifts to people close to me and strangers alike to acknowledge them.
How I smile sincerely and wholeheartedly at people on the street and in the store, without even realizing it. -It usually looks like the person is looking at me with a serious face and suddenly a warm, friendly smile appears on their lips. And then I’m like “Aha! I guess I’m smiling at people again 😄”.
I love how I finally(!!) after many, many years, let my creativity and ideas flow through me. How I dare to take on challenges and face my fears again.
And I love myself even when I screw up and have to admit, “I fucked up!” Whatever the consequences of that action/deed, if I need to take responsibility or apologize (even if it’s unpleasant or ego-killing), I will do it.

Getting to this place hasn’t been easy. My ego has been killed really hard over the years. There have been a lot of tears and shame. Self-denial. Not self-respect. But it has finally brought me to this new and very beautiful, deep place – I love myself! I am deeply and sincerely in love with myself.

And this is just the beginning (which makes it even more interesting and admirable for me)!
Because now I can start discovering what cool qualities and abilities I still have hidden within me!

Hehe 🤭! I’m excited, I’m happy, and I have a lot of joy in life. I love myself today, on both good and bad days.

One of my wishes is that all people in the world could one day feel this powerful, pure feeling of self-love ❤️!