Krapsakas

I saw a video today in which people were asked to scream, and there was one person (on that video) who just couldn’t do it. Which brought back memories of 1.5 years ago when I couldn’t scream too.

And then I remembered my own journey to screaming again.

When I was a little kid, I screamed very often. Out of excitement, out of fright, etc.
My parents have even joked that they didn’t have to worry when I was alone outside as a kid, because my screams could always be heard in the home.

But for years, living in an environment where with each passing year I wasn’t expected to express myself. I was too much. My character was too big, etc.
All of this led me to the point where at one point I discovered that I couldn’t scream anymore. Not even when I was really scared.
My self-repression had brought me to a point where I simply couldn’t do it anymore.

From some point on, I felt the urge to scream again.
But I just couldn’t scream.
“But what if someone hears? What will they think of me?”.

This became a conscious decision that I wanted to be free from this limiting feeling.

I started by trying to scream into a pillow at home. I took the pillow, screamed at the top of my lungs, and… -a small beep-.
The powerful voice that I knew I had inside me didn’t come out.

Then I tried to get my sibling to join with me. We went into the forest together and had to scream together.
We count out loud: “Three. Two. One!”.
But the little bastard was silent :D.
Since the idea of ​​screaming together was encouraging, I still managed to make a voice.

After that, I tried to scream into my pillow at home from time to time and also scream while walking alone in the forest, but it was a bit too scary at that moment. Because, well, “What if someone hears?”.

At some point, however, I felt that the development of screaming and yelling again was not progressing at all.
I wanted to SCREAM and SHOUT!
From the bottom of my heart! From the bottom of my throat! Powerfully! Loudly!
Just like I used to do it!

As a side note, when I was yonger and I get scared, I screamed at the top of my lungs. People have said that they can’t really hear it after a few moments. That their ears are deaf.

At one point, I talked about it with my friend and asked her to add a stop to our “discovering Estonia by car” trip in a forest that for some reason was important to me and seemed safe.
So we headed for the forest. I was so excited.

Mission “Screaming”.

We got to the forest.

My friend stayed in the car and I started walking deeper into the forest.
It’s a very beautiful and powerful pine forest.
I was scared and excited at the same time.
I was scared because there are so many cameras set up in the forests these days. The thought kept running through my head, what if I scream there and it gets caught on camera?

I took a deep breath in and out.. “aaAaaAaaaAaaahhhhhhhhhh!”
Hugh! Okay, okay!
That wasn’t the worst part. Let’s try again!
“AaAaaaaaAaaaaaaaaHhhHHHHHHHH!”
My throat hurts! And it’s so embarrassing!
Cars are driving a little further down the main road, what if someone is thinking of coming to this forest to collect mushrooms right now? (It all happened in the fall)
I walked a little deeper into the forest and at the same time tried to scream as loud as I could.

Do you know what happened?
I thought it was such a primal feeling and super liberating.
It was just screaming. And it seemed so insignificant.
I walked and screamed in the forest for a while, when a car drove into the forest, stopped and a man started walking towards the forest.
I thought it would be wiser to leave.

Did screaming in the forest have an immediate magical effect? ​​The answer is no.
But it was very useful. It got the energies moving.
The screaming didn’t return instantly, but over time I started to notice that I was allowing myself to shout and scream again.

What I want to say with my story is that when you have reached a point where you can no longer scream or yell, it takes time to get out of it.
Give yourself time.
There are so many emotional blocks behind this inability to scream. And releasing them takes time. But it’s manageable.

Today I am again at the point where I can scream half-deaf to others when I get scared, hehehe.

We all have the right to express ourselves. Be it screaming or yelling.
So stand up and start practicing if you can’t express yourself in this way today!

With love,
Krapsakas Agnes