Krapsakas

Well, this is a really rambling post, but I believe I’m not alone in these feelings and maybe someone here can relate.
If you do, know that you’re not alone in these thoughts.

I’ve felt for the past few weeks that I’ve been a rather unpleasant person to interact with.
Is this true?
Maybe, maybe not.

But when I look at the posts I’ve written and the ones I’ve already shared.. on the one hand, I cringe. 
On the second hand, I feel bad because I feel so strict and mean. 
From a third point of view, I would like to say “What are you whining about?”.
Get your act together, no one cares anyway.
The fourth half (and probably the most truthful of them) understands that I’m just growing out of old habits and patterns. 
This is accompanied by uncertainty, distrust, anger, stubbornness and mean behavior. Changes tend to be unpleasant for us, humans.
At the same time, in some ways, I enjoy it because I understand that something new and cool is coming into my life.

I sat down this morning. At first I listened to some nice, uplifting music.
Then I did a few assignments that had been needed to be done for a long time.
And then sadness and boredom set in.
This is probably the first time in many months that I felt like I had grown out of my old life so much that I didn’t want to hear anything about it.
It’s just that all the things I used to do seemed so boring and dull.
Over the past few months, I have been pulling together the parts of my old life and old patterns, old habits.

The overarching theme of all of this has been calming the nervous system.
And if you are a regular reader and are wondering how much one person can talk about this topic, then you should know that this is a lifelong topic and my nervous system has been severely damaged over the past few years and it will take a long time to recover from it.

Nervous traffic

Yesterday was the second time in the last month when could I have gotten hit by a car. No. It’s not just me.
I see similar dangerous situations with other pedestrians all the time.

Everyone is so busy. People are nervous, anxious. People rush in traffic.
People have so many worries, big burdens, and tensions that they are simply no longer able to be empathetic. To notice other people.

The driving school teacher said that the city where I live has very technical traffic, compared to some other major cities in Estonia.
So this means both drivers and all other road users (including pedestrians) need to constantly (no joke) monitor ten things at the same time.

Yesterday, if the car had hit me again… I knew that this is such a terrible blind spot, where cars come from the big parking lot between the houses. But they come at such a speed that they can’t react properly. So even if they push the brake, it’s too late. And this place has very heavy pedestrian traffic.
So before I even started to cross this terrible place, I slowed down my walking speed. 
It was a good thing I did. 
I managed to look to the right, and a millisecond later I jumped back.
Because a car was coming from the right at a higher speed, and the man behind the wheel was waving his hand, saying, “Go, go over”. 

Well. I don’t know. Would you like to be a pedestrian in front of a car moving fast towards you and then feel the arrogance of, “But why aren’t you walking in front of my car?” ?.

If you’ve never been hit by a car. 
I can tell you that even a low-speed hit will leave your body sore for a long time (weeks). Not to mention how cautious and distrustful it makes you of drivers in the future.
I’ve been through it myself, not fun.

Obviously, I don’t organize the traffic or traffic culture of a big city with grumpy texts. 
I only tire myself out with such a grumpy state.

So yesterday that happened.. 

After a long day. When I got home, I felt that the last drops of my patience had fallen into the cup and it was time to move on from this city.
I’m not saying that this will happen immediately or in a few months. 
My point is that I opened the door to a new direction. I’m open to this idea and I’m slowly starting to head in that direction.
And this thought did not arise because of the events of one day.
This feeling had been building for a long time, and yesterday gave it the final push.
We need negative experiences to change things.

What else made me think yesterday.. that I am not willing to raise my children in this city. If I, as a grown-up person, have negative emotions when moving around the city.
Where I often do not feel safe.
Then a small child cannot be expected to notice what is always happening around them and to understand what they need to watch for.
And that is the last thing I want for my children – that they have to participate in traffic that is nervous, stressful and not considerate of others.

I emphasize that this is not just my opinion as one person that the traffic in this city is like this. I have heard the same thing repeatedly from people of all ages and genders.

Happy people

Just this spring, I talked person whom I don’t usually talk to.
Their listened to me and said sincerely and in a longing tone of voice: “I wish I had that much energy!”.
But. 
Where has your energy gone? 
Where has people’s energy gone? 
Why are we so aesthetes? 
Why are we so colorless?
So strict? 
So angry? 
So in a hurry? 
Why have we forgotten to notice the little things? 
Why don’t we feel joy in the little things anymore?
Why don’t we play anymore? 
Why don’t we laugh from the heart anymore? Why don’t we laugh at all anymore? 
Why don’t we smile at strangers anymore? 

I told a conversation partner some time ago that it’s interesting how I forget that I often walk around with a happy, smiling face. 
It’s only then that I realize it when people smile back to me when they look at me (originally they had serious faces).
To which I got the following response: 
“What are you, some kind of creepy person? You walk around smiling?”.
In retrospect, I’ve thought: “Wow! We’ve reached such a dark, fucked-up place that if you’re just happy and SMILE (I don’t mean a toothy smile) then you’re a creeper!?”.

What’s happened to our world?
Where has kindness, caring, noticing, helping, a warm smile gone?

Oh! Another comparison to this. I was walking one day and a dark-skinned middle-aged man came towards me on a bicycle.
I was just in a good mood (again). The corners of my mouth were slightly up and my posture was friendly. The man who came towards me had a neutral expression at first and when he saw me he had this particularly unpleasant dirty pervy smile and attitude.
My whole mood changed in a split second 😊-> 😑🤨.

Maybe now you say that “Maybe you just imagined it?”.
Then the answer is that I didn’t imagine it.
This is one thing that I have taught myself and embraced strongly over the past few years – when your gut feeling or body tells you something.
For example, if you suddenly feel uncomfortable or afraid in the presence of a person, you don’t analyze it, you trust your feeling and remove yourself from the situation asap!
You can do the analysis later, if necessary.
By trusting your gut feeling and responding to it, you give your body and nervous system a clear message that you trust them. Which helps your nervous system calm down faster. 

Because our body, soul and essence feel the energies and state of other people before our mind has time to react to it.
This is the same effect when you have your back to someone and you clearly feel that someone is looking at you. And when you turn around, someone is indeed looking at you.
So always trust your gut feeling, your body feeling!
And this is the point where you need to distinguish between the fears or other nonsense of the mind and specifically the gut feeling and body feeling!

Everyone is a big teacher

I’ve said it a hundred times on this blog, but I never tire of repeating it.
I know I’m a smartass who talks about my life and general topics as if I were the smartest and others should follow my lead. Obviously, this text was written with sarcasm.
But I emphasize again – that every person, yes, you who are reading this – chooses for yourself what you want to take from my thoughts and what not.

But with this whole teaching thing.

I’ve been consciously trying to find posts and videos on social media in the last few days that make me laugh out loud.
Well, I don’t know, some animal posts, or good jokes, cool game videos (social real-life games, not computer ones), etc.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS TO FIND THEM!?

I don’t know if my algorithms are out of place again, but.. it’s so difficult to feed into the algorithms that: “Hey! I want to laugh here!”.
Instead, I get from the door, the window, the ventilation shaft-
“Look at this! This is exactly the best way to collect your followers!”.
“Look at this! This is exactly how you can create an X thing!”.
“Buy THIS wonderful, flying vacuum cleaner that sucks dust from the walls, windows and doors itself!”. 

Heeeeeelpppp!
Why!?
Why do we have to talk about how we are constantly in lack? 
We. Don’t. Need. All. Those. Things!

What I actually discovered for myself, thanks to the last few months and very tight finances (I was unemployed from February to August – this is a previously written post). 
That less is more.
I’ve been buying a minimum of things during these 6 months. The ones that I really need to use right now.
And because of that I value my things more + I haven’t had to worry about having too much stuff and what should do with it?

In addition. Actually, at the beginning of this year, my entire kitchen was supposed to be replaced.
But then the neighbors were doing renovations for months and my last nerve about the renovation broke. So I postponed the kitchen renovation for an unknown time in the future.
But what I discovered in all this was that the things that bothered me so much about the kitchen could be solved differently and in fact the main reason for wanting to replace the kitchen was that it was not that modern (about 10-15 years old) and I wanted to be fashionable and that the kitchen to look new. 
So now I can still enjoy my old oven, which makes delicious food. I don’t have to complain that the new ovens aren’t as good.
This wasn’t sarcasm, I really am happy, haha 😄.

Coming back to the previous point.

Obviously, living this way in the long run is very stressful.
But what I want to say with my story is that if you take money out of the picture. So when the issue is no longer about finances.
Then we still don’t need to buy all these things.
No all those courses, diet programs, fitness club membership cards, 5 different streaming services, and other “but it makes my life easier” things.

Yes! It may SEEM to make your life easier, but it doesn’t calm your nervous system. 

Some things really do make our lives easier, but in this case, you’ve been wanting this thing for a very long time and are making your purchase thoughtfully, not on impulse. 

Plus you’re constantly creating a sense of lack for yourself like “But! See! I didn’t have a Stanley Cup in THAT color yet!”.
No. You had a Stanley Cup in a different color, which served its purpose very nicely.
You didn’t need this new cup. 
You just fed your feelings of lack by telling your mind that buying more things will make the feeling of lack go away.
Which was actually a deception.
This type of feeling of lack cannot be filled with things, because the root of the problem lies elsewhere.

Don’t get me wrong!
Of course, for the economy to grow, we need to buy and consume things and services.
But we don’t need to overconsume things and services! 

Instead of putting yourself in a box with four walls and forced ventilation to work out. 
Go into nature. 
Go for a walk, hike, or run.
Or go to an outdoor gym.
Call your friend/friends/relatives. Ask if they need help with anything at home/at the house? Things get done faster together and have more fun. 
This way, you are not just fulfilled by the exercise and dopamine part, but also by the emotional communication part. 
Plus you don’t need now find time to meet friends to keep the communication alive.
It is already fulfilled now.
And sometimes you don’t even have to talk at that time. Agree right from the start that you will do X work, but communicate minimally, because you both need some quiet time.
Or vice versa, you can talk about different topics that you otherwise wouldn’t have time for. An idea bounced around with several heads is ultimately much better and more refined than an idea conceived alone. 

In summary

I’ll summarize the topic by saying that everything seems kind of pointless and empty and dull lately.
Just dull. I feel like giving up.
But what do you give up on when you actually feel like you’re moving forward in things every day?

Over the past year, I’ve adopted the attitude that the moment when you want to give up and “can’t take it anymore” is the breaking point.
When you get past that point, things will get better.
But damn, how long can you get past that point, huh 🙄😄!?

Anyway, I’ve decided that I don’t want to be just an aesthetic anymore. 
I don’t want to live in a nervous big city anymore. 
I don’t want to be just a refined dignified woman who doesn’t smile and is a role model for social media recommendations. 
How the hell did I even manage to live to this point?

So let me be a person who talks about one, two and five topics at the same time. 
Let me smile and be friendly and helpful.
Let me be a smartass who at the same time thinks that everyone actually knows what’s best for them, they just need to start listening to themselves again.
Life is too short to be a serious-faced, aesthetic, over-consumed, anxious person.

C’est la vie!

With love,
Krapsakas Agnes