Krapsakas

We all wear masks every day – mother, father, employee, employer, boss, colleague, client, daughter, son, citizen… you name it.

But this mask… Some call such a person a witch, others say it’s a result of hypersensitivity or childhood trauma, others say it’s a talent or a gift, while some fear it like fire.

Mask?
So what mask have I been wearing?
It’s been more of a cover-up. And to cover up, I’ve been wearing a mask.

I see through the world.
I see through people.
And I often feel their feelings more strongly than they feel them themselves (become aware of them).

Oh my, how many times have I gotten into bigger and smaller trouble because of this.
Why?
Because people are afraid to see themselves as they truly are. They have developed certain beliefs, filters, and masks about who they are and what they show to others.

And then one person, Agnes, comes along and just in the course of the conversation mentions some things that haven’t been said in words, but which are absolutely true and these people know it deep down.
Usually this is followed by talking in black too white.
I also understand why people start convincing me that things are not the way they actually are.

I’ve had three “boyfriend-like people” who were able to understand my thoughts and feelings in an instant, without me having expressed myself in words.
Which also meant that I couldn’t lie or even outright lie but keep things to myself.
In other words, everything was always “on the table”. And that wasn’t exactly the most pleasant feeling.
And that includes a general sense of energy.

Once I slept during the day (on a free day) and didn’t tell this person anything about it. About 10 minutes after waking up, he called me and asked how my sleep was? Do I feel rested now?
I was so confused, how does he even know that I slept? Because we hadn’t talked about it at all beforehand and I didn’t sleep for long. Like 20-30 minutes.
To which he replied that he felt that I was sleeping and didn’t want to disturb me, that’s why he’s only calling now.
That was the moment when I was- holy shit! So much for not saying things out loud 😄. And things like that happened regularly.

On the one hand, it made communication easier because I was understood without needing to explain too much. On the other hand, it was sometimes tiring, because it was difficult to just keep things to myself.
Here I would like to mention that such “transparency” and whether it is nice or not depends very much on what feelings this person evokes in you? Is he the kind of person you want to be transparent and open with or not?

Here’s another example. I say during the conversation, “I’m sorry that this topic is causing you anxiety” (the person looks completely calm on the outside).
And then they say back with very sincere faith and conviction: “No-no! I don’t have anxiety! You must have just misunderstood the matter. Maybe you’re imagining too much?”
In the past, this was followed by a series of thoughts going through my head, like, wtf!? Clearly, the person’s anxiety level is higher than usual, why on earth would they deny it?

When I was young and green, I argued that “No-no! I can see that it’s like X, C, or D!”.
Until at some point, I realized that it was just digging a bigger hole for myself. There are a few people who really understand what I’m saying, that I’ve seen them through and they dare to look at their own shadow. Dare to look at themselves.
And here I have to give credit to these people, because looking at your own shadow* is not always the easiest thing.

*Shadow= your negative sides. Ego. “I want it.”
“I say it is so and it must be so!” without listening to anyone else.

I have lost the most important person in my life, because of seeing people through.
I have been a collective outsider and have been told clearly that I am not welcome at work as who I am*, because what we do not grasp, what we do not understand, creates fear.
It was also a time when I went through a major ego death. Accepting everything I was told and changing myself to fit into that environment. Which ended with panic attacks, multiple physical ailments, and emotional burnout.

*Who I am – it is important to mention here that I do not force things on people.
I just talk about them as if they were common knowledge or everyone sees things, that is, as if they were publicly visible.
Because generally these things are publicly visible.
Because if a person wants to, they can very well hide their feelings, emotions, and behavior behind some other things. Some do it, others do not.

The light in the dark

This insight and seeing patterns used to bring broken people to me like a swarm of mosquitoes flying to a glowing light in the darkness.

I was surrounded everywhere, literally, by people who could talk (complain) about all their worries in a split second.
On the street, in the store, at work, etc.
Including so-called friends. That is, those who I considered friends, but who used me as a free psychologist to whom to empty their emotional garbage.

Until my sibling joked at the very right moment, “Agnes. You should start charging an hourly fee for this kind of “psychological service”. Well, let’s say 50€ an hour.”
This sentence hit the nail on the head.

I started using it myself, jokingly, on people who emptied their emotional garbage on me.
Let it be said here that I did not ask anyone for money.
I have not studied psychology and did not want to be someone’s soul doctor then and do not want that today either.
I like writing blog posts where everyone can take on a thought or topic that speaks to them and use it to improve their life.

Anyway!

At some point, all my cups and vessels ran out of patience, and I started telling people directly and clearly that I’m not the person to come to only when you have emotional problems, but at other times, It’s like I don’t exist for them.
So I set clear boundaries.

The best thing about it.

One of these people told me directly that she apologized to me. That she deliberately took advantage of me on this topic. I was always there for her and since we had known each other for a very long time, it was a good and easy way to vent and to extinguish (emotional) fires.

“You are such a good human”

“You’re always so nice to talk to!”
“I feel safe with you.”
“It’s always so nice to spend time with you.”

Let’s just say that these are some of the most common phrases I’ve heard over and over again over the years.
The reason?
I see what’s going on in a person’s life. I (subconsciously) guide people to find answers within themselves.
I tend to say the right things at the right time – no, I don’t do it on purpose, it’s just a part of me.
And.. very often I don’t even have to say anything. Because I’ve done tons of work on myself, my standards and energy level are higher, and I often act like a balm or as a trigger. Depending on how much work someone has done on themselves.
Triggering isn’t bad, by the way. It gives you the opportunity to see aspects of yourself that you haven’t dealt with.

So, for others, I may seem like the sentences above. And those people are happy around me. Sincerely and truly.

But who doesn’t generally have that much fun? That’s me.
Because, as I said, fewer people really bother to work on their own worries and troubles, old patterns. In other words, such one-sided giving is actually very tiring and no one can give of themselves endlessly.

It should be mentioned here that those people who are like me, that is, who know the world of energy, see patterns, work with themselves – it is generally* great to spend time with them. Thoughts run. The conversation goes on for a long time and time flies.

*In general- we are all people after all. And we are all individuals. Some get along better and others not so much.

But do I go around as a lie detector every day?

Hahah! No, I don’t. Silly! 😄  

It’s the same as when you walk down the street and see people and cars passing by. And if you pay a little more attention, you can actually see how tree branches move in the wind. How leaves fall from trees. How birds fly in the sky. What shapes the clouds in the sky are etc.

There is a huge amount of information in our everyday world. The question is how much of it you let yourself see.

Do you react when a leaf falls from a tree?
Generally, you don’t.
You react when it falls in your garden and you want to keep your garden tidy. You rake up the leaves to keep your garden tidy.

And it’s exactly the same with seeing through people, spaces, society and feeling their energy.
IF this thing directly concerns me and has a strong impact on me, then yes, I will intervene.
I either say directly what I feel, see, or perceive.
Or I say it more softly, through flowers, and in such a way that a person generally does not understand that I saw more.

But the rest of the time I just take it all in as a picture. Well, as I described before, cars are moving on the street, people are walking, tree branches are moving in the wind and birds are flying.
So I see, but I don’t react.
Generally, I try to turn it off, or rather, I focus on my own things, activities, etc. It’s just very tiring – seeing and feeling everything firsthand, which ultimately causes anxiety and stress (tension).

And I intervene when I see a danger to someone or something. Be it mental, physical, or, in very exceptional cases, energetic.
Once upon a time, true. I was a great savior of the world. It’s embarrassing to admit it 🙈.
But that very often accompanies a spiritual awakening.

Although I have seen and perceived the earth in this form since childhood, things began to intensify (seeing the picture in more detail) when I truly spiritually awakened in 2020.

But today, as I said, I “save the world” when I see that something is really going to go wrong.
And I use it a little bit in my work. Not in a way that the client would understand it so directly, but if I see that a certain thing is causing confusion and they don’t ask about it, then for example I draw attention to it myself.
Or if we are talking about a personal clothes shopper service, then yes, I sometimes use my intuition about what might be the most suitable item considering the client’s wishes.

Why I don’t want anyone’s worries in my inbox?

This whole topic is actually the reason why I don’t want anyone to write to my inbox about their worries and pain.
Because the writer does get a solution to their worries for a while or for a long time. It gets easier. But I still carry this burden on my shoulders for a while. And it’s tiring.
As I said, I haven’t studied psychology or forms of therapy.

Plus! What I see very often – people run to someone to complain about their worries. They get their worries out. It gets easier for a while. BUT! They don’t do anything to change the pattern.
They just whine for a while, but they don’t take steps to prevent the same thing or a similar thing from happening again. In other words, they just sit in their comfort zone. And I absolutely can’t stand it.
I understand that it’s hard to rewrite patterns (in general). And it sometimes takes time to consciously step out of the pain body.
But if a person sits in a comfort zone, then they don’t feel uncomfortable or bad enough yet. Wait until it gets worse and you get fed up.

At this point, I raise my hat to all therapists, psychologists, and people in the field of work who heal people’s souls in general. Because it is not easy.

Why am I talking about all this today, now?

I was afraid to show this part of myself to others. As I said, I have lost the most important person because of it.
I have not been expected to be myself both within my family and when working in a team.
I have felt so much fear and pain because of it.
I have been afraid of my own strength.

But every time I have hidden myself.
Every time I have made myself smaller.
Every time I have listened to the opinion/advice of some specialist, psychologist, colleague, boss, or “friend” about how I should definitely hide myself. How I must not be powerful, strong, nor myself.
Every time I have paid for it with my mental or physical health. Usually with both at the same time.

Today I dare to say it loud and clear that the reason I’m overweight is purely because I’ve been hiding myself. And to protect myself, my body has produced a huge amount of fat (that’s a post for another time).

But I can’t and don’t want to hide myself anymore.
This hiding hasn’t brought me any benefit.
The only benefit has been to other people and society, because there has been one less person to call out bullshit and patterns that don’t work.

I believe that this post will not actually reach many people. And the few who read it – they either don’t think anything of it or they get some support or strength from it. Because there are people like me in the world who see things through and it’s not easy thing. I like to say that it’s a blessing and a curse at the same time.

PS! Isn’t it funny that for us, some things are so important, the biggest worries in the world? And then others look at it from the sidelines and are like, “Eeee? What’s there to worry about? Just be yourself! 😄”.

Of course, it would be great Universe humor if this particular post went viral, haha. But oh well, then that’s how it is 😄!

Anyway.
Hello! My name is Agnes!
Woman with a big heart, a sincere soul. Strong and pedantic.
Extremely determined (or stubborn) and the very big opposite of myself.
I always have one foot in a complete deluland (a world of illusions), where I believe that everything is possible and can be done.
And with the other foot, I am always a strong pragmatist. I need things to be logical, for everything to have its own meaning and to be explainable. Things have to be done by the agreed time and if you have promised something, you have to keep your promise. Pedant in a word.
And with all this, I love to laugh heartily at simple things.
I am also not afraid to laugh at myself.
Considering how seriously I’m living my life half the time, a belly laugh that comes from the heart is a nice counterbalance to it. Also, it often confuses people, because how can you be so serious and strict, and same time fun and free!? 😁.

Let’s see do I have big balls and leave it up? Or I’ll delete this post at some point. Who knows, who knows!?

What is your biggest worry or fear in the world that you hide from others? Let me know in the comments!
Or, if you have any thoughts or questions about this post, feel free to ask in the comments.

With love,
Krapsakas Agnes