Krapsakas

This post is written based on the author’s own thoughts on Krapsaka’s blog.
It is not scientific evidence-based material.
This post may also be triggering for some people.
Take from this post what resonates with you, and leave everything that doesn’t.

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This post is for anyone who has felt or feels like a failure in life.
Who thinks they can’t live up to other people’s or their boss’s expectations.
Who thinks it’s impossible to recover from failures.
Or who suffers from imposter syndrome.
Sweetheart! I see you. I hear you. You’re not alone!

A few years ago I had a boyfriend candidate.
And he told me once how he regretted things. He just kept talking and talking and talking.
In the end, I got the impression that he regretted half of his life.
It was an extraordinary story, which is why it stayed in my brain for a long time.

Why?
Because I am the complete opposite of that.
I do not regret things.
I am grateful for the experiences in my life, both bad and good.

Let’s look at this topic a little closer

It always makes me chuckle how the “right” way to live is supposed to be endless parties, hangovers, and bad decisions proudly called “memories.”
Meanwhile, the quiet ones – the so-called boring ones – are out there actually living: discovering new trails, cultures, foods, and countries, etc.

Often, these “quieters” live a much more interesting life than the ardent party animals.
At least, this is what life experience has shown me, talking to many different people.

As you probably already understand, I am one of these “quieters”, but on the other hand, a more active adventure seeker.
And in life, I have seen and experienced my fair share of adventures.

I have many things in my life that I look back on with great embarrassment.
It would be better if no one knew or remembered them.
But do I regret them? No!
Every experience has given me a story, experience, wisdom. The ability to make better choices in the future.
I am very far from being a perfect person.
Even today. I stumble, I make mistakes, I get up, stumble again, I get up.
I wipe the failures off the knees of my pants and take the experience with me.

If we had all been miracle people from birth, who never made a single mistake – think how boring our lives would be?
Then we would have nothing in the world.
We would still eat plants, we would say “Hu-hu-huhuuuu” instead of talking, and at best we would point in some direction to convey a message to someone else.

A thought that people generally don’t want to hear

Every mistake, every sad event, every brutal act is actually a blessing.

Wait.
Wait.
Let that sink in.

I know, I know.
When I first heard this line of thought years ago, it filled me with holy anger.

In what way the hell is my shitty childhood my blessing?
In what way the hell are my financial failures my blessings?
In what way the hell is my long-term abusive relationship in the past my blessing today?
In what way the hell is the failure of my first company my blessing?
In what way the hell is my multiple career burnouts my blessing?

Oooh! It took me years before it really hit me.

Can I tell you more about this line of thought?

It’s easy to blame.
And it’s easy to take on the real blame of other people so you don’t have to deal with the attacks directed at you.
And it’s easy to get stuck in the pain body*.

* Pain body is a term by Eckhart Tolle that describes the stored emotional pain from the past that still lives in a person’s body and mind.
It can “wake up” when something triggers those old wounds, causing strong emotional reactions or negative thoughts.
The pain body loses its power when you become aware of it – when you observe the emotion instead of being controlled by it.

Very briefly and succinctly, this means that a person gets stuck in pain. They go around telling everyone (or mumbling to themselves) how bad everything is, but they don’t do anything to change the situation. Eventually, it becomes a vicious circle where the situation is bad. They don’t want to be in this situation, but at the same time, they are so used to this “badness” that they don’t want to change anything.

But it is much more difficult to take this experience with gratitude.
Believe me, even today I sometimes find it difficult to take it so “simply”, especially when there is another hot topic at hand.

But let me tell you more about it. I will expand on some of the examples given above.

A very difficult childhood
As a child, I thought being good meant handling everything alone.
That belief gave me insane willpower and took away my chance to just be a kid.
It’s both my strength and the reason I’ve had to learn how to slow down.

Bad relationships with men
Oh. Little young, naive Agnes. Who tried to love broken men whole.
It took me YEARS to finally understand the sentence that men themselves
said – “No man will do anything for a woman if he’s not interested in her”.
The funny thing about it was that it was usually said by men I wasn’t interested in.
But the ones I was interested in, Jesus Christ, I was basically willing to move my belly button so they could be happy.
My self-esteem? Out the window.
My boundaries? Essentially nonexistent.
My basic needs? I’ll make an exception so that someone else can still be happy.

What did it ultimately give me?
Back to my self-esteem. Pride. Self-confidence. Courage. Voice. Self-love.
Look, the thing about shit like this and even shittier stories is that at some point you get fed up.
And then you start raising your standards.
You realize that it’s dozens of times better and more enjoyable to be alone than with someone who doesn’t value, care for, nor really love you.
Which doesn’t mean that I think that all people are assholes now, a hell na! There are a lot of great people in the world too :D!
And the most important thing about it – I value both myself and my truly compatible partner ten times more today. I don’t take either party’s actions, behaviors, warmth, or responsiveness for granted.

Failed first company

Me, the sweet little naive girl again.. Oh Agnes, Agnes.
I thought I had a VERY good business idea. Actually, I did. There was no such thing in the Estonian landscape at that time, and there really isn’t to this day – that’s why I’m not talking about it in more detail right now.
But let’s talk about mistakes.
I bought ALL the things I wanted to sell at once.
Did I have my own office? No
Did I have a warehouse to store things? No
Was all this stuff in my living room? Absolutely
Specifically, for two years, my living room looked like a warehouse.
It was absolutely terrible!

Yes. Things sold, but I couldn’t start in a way that I would earn more than my expenses.
In other words, everything I earned in profit went to pay the bills.
For example, my website was very beautiful and stylish, but it stole a significant amount from my company’s bank account every month.

Time just kept moving forward. One bad thing happened after another and eventually I lost all interest in doing business and finally closed the first company.

I’ll clarify here that I actually closed my first company a year after I started my second. I just felt like I wanted a fresh start. There was nothing wrong with the old company, but it was tied to my old life. I, on the other hand, had moved on a lot in life. And so I closed it officially.

From here comes the important part

In the intervening years, however, I managed to learn and experiment with other different topics that I thought I would offer through the company in the future.

Once I had to become a life coach – a very popular topic and I felt that it was something for me. Well yeah – I gave up on that idea pretty quickly.

Then I learned how to manage Google Ads – I completed the training, but did not become a manager.

Then I made an Instagram account where I posted one thought, an aphorism every day, 365 days in a row. I got very few followers.

Then I had to become a social media manager – I studied intensively for several months at a training. I finished the training and then I didn’t want to hear anything about social media or marketing for over a year. This training killed all my creativity.

Then I worked under others, tried to give my best, and I burned out three times professionally :)).

And then at some point, Krapsakas came. It came and as you can see, it came to stay.
Krapsakas is probably the first thing in my life that I have done and created in peace, building the foundation of the company stone by stone. In the steps of a chick.
There have been moments when I have thought that I have not gotten anywhere with Krapsakas.
So what do I have to show for it?
The company has officially been operating (since October of this year) for four years, but I have had a few T-shirts for sale in the meantime. I have many strong sales ideas, services, but I still haven’t been able to sell them.

And then one day I was brushing my teeth in the evening and all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place at once

I had a difficult childhood, where expectations were high.
I had a long relationship with a very bad experience.
I had one business failure after another in my eyes (for years).
BUT
What remained from everything was life experience. Knowledge.
What to do, what not to do.
I know today that my style is not fast-fast-fast. I don’t want to make 5 posts on Instagram a week. I don’t want to be a fast-fashion slob.
I don’t want to be everyone’s friend.
I don’t want every man as my partner.
I never want to be as unpleasant and disgusting a parent as my parents were to me.
But I know what I want.
I know that through various failures, I remembered the things that suited me.
What I want in my life.

After several failures, I kept coming back to colors — the autumn shades I used for my Instagram, which eventually became Krapsaka’s brand palette.
Autumn conveys authenticity, warmth, passion, power, richness, and nostalgia – exactly the feelings I’ve always wanted Krapsakas to embody.
(Fiona Humberstone talks more about the four seasons of business in colors, if you’re curious.)

Today I know that it makes no sense to buy all the things and then start selling them. Thanks to this large “warehouse” fopale, I have transferred the clothes with Krapsaka designs to a cooperation partner, who makes them and sends them to the end customer – smarter, and more environmentally friendly.
And for example, there was a story with that too – before I got to the T-shirts which will be on sale soon. I got to try out a lot of different T-shirts.
The quality of the parts was absolutely terrible.
For example, I learned that a blouse bearing the premium name can be many times worse than regular material.
And here’s the question again: should I take it as a big failure that I got to try out so many different T-shirts until I found the right one, or should I take it as a big win that today I can say with absolute certainty that these T-shirts will last a long time and are also beautiful?
Now I can now confidently sell these T-shirts because I’ve personally worn them for months, tested their durability, and know they’re beautiful, high-quality, and made to last.

Over the years, I’ve unknowingly collected stories, experiences, and knowledge.
Every mistake brought me closer to who I am today as a person, a woman, a partner, a friend, an entrepreneur.
Without the bad experiences, I wouldn’t have this clarity about what I want and what suits me.
Now, when someone offers advice, I either listen, say thank you, or reflect on it, but I no longer let others’ opinions shake me.
Years of darkness, failures, and ego deaths taught me to dare to be myself.
And yes, sometimes even today I stumble upon other people’s advice and listen to it too much. But it’s easier to get out of it because I see the pattern more quickly.

After everything I’ve been through, some of it brutally unfair, I’ve still remained human.
I could have become cold and heartless, but I chose over and over again to stay warm, kind, and raise my standards.

And yes, some will call me a “bitch.”
Darling, here’s the thing: when you’re yourself, keep your boundaries, and dare to say “no,” you automatically get that title.
Even living by everyone else’s rules won’t make you liked by all — trust me, I’ve tried.

Recommendation

If my post was not enough and you would like to read something more illustrative,
I recommend Matthew Syed’s book “Black Box Thinking: The Surprising Truth About Success” it’s about how true success and progress come from learning from mistakes — not avoiding them.

He draws a sharp comparison between aviation and medicine:
In aviation, every accident is meticulously investigated; the black box data is analyzed to make sure the same mistake never happens again.
In medicine (and many other fields), mistakes are often hidden, denied, or justified which prevents learning and improvement.

Syed argues that real growth only happens when we are willing to confront our errors honestly, analyze them, and adapt without ego. This mindset is what he calls “black box thinking.”

Core ideas:

• Hiding mistakes is far more dangerous than making them.
• The best teams and organizations build a culture where failures are treated as data, not as shame.
• Perfectionism and fear of failure kill innovation.
• Every setback can become a launchpad — if interpreted correctly.

In essence, this book is a manifesto for honesty, feedback, and adaptive learning —
a practical and sharp look at why some people and systems evolve rapidly while others stay stuck in self-protection mode.

I read this book while working for a very insecure boss.
No mistakes were allowed and, ironically, that made me mess up even more, which badly hurt my self-confidence.
The real-life examples in the book were incredibly supportive, showing that mistakes happen even in important areas it’s all about how they’re treated, judged, and used going forward.

For those who aren’t big book lovers, it’s easy to read.
You can even read it in sections; I went chapter by chapter.

And secondly, I recommend the short, 1 minute interview with Salma Hayek.
It has a strong supportive message.

In summary

Ultimately, the choice is yours – either you let the pain win, or you allow yourself to actually feel it.
The anger. The tears. The feeling of failure.
Feel it until it burns clean and then move on.

Or you can stay stuck in your own pain-body for the rest of your life.
No one can make that decision for you.

What I’ve learned is this: behind every painful experience, there’s wisdom. Even if it takes a long time to see it.
And once you see, you can turn that wisdom into your greatest advantage.

With love,
Krapsakas Agnes