After the breaking point

Every time there’s been a big gap between blog posts, starting to write again is a big undertaking. I don’t know why. Insecurity? Or is it more like a problem of getting started?
When you ride a bike, you have to pedal harder at the beginning to get momentum.
And once you’ve got momentum, you can ride anywhere. Then everything is much easier.

I’ve been away from the blog for several weeks.
Drum roll please 🥁.

I quitted my salary job and moved from one end of Estonia to the other.

This post is based on my personal thoughts on Krapsaka’s blog.
It’s not scientific or evidence-based, and it may be triggering for some.
Take what resonates, and leave everything that doesn’t.

Leaving salaried employment for the sake of my health and my business

If I remember correctly, I have previously mentioned on my blog that in August of last year (2025) I returned to salaried work after having been unemployed for six months.

When I went to that job, I already felt that something wasn’t right. That something about that workplace was off.
But I desperately needed a job, so I accepted the position and started working there.

Without going into excessive detail, the product at that job was full of bugs, meaning it was difficult to sell something that was broken. In addition, the work environment was very toxic.
On top of that, I often found myself going against my own morals while doing that job, which created even more tension.

At some point, I started having anxiety again (I have the attitude that it is a disorder that comes and goes depending on a person’s mental health).
In addition, I started to collapse mechanically – my body lost strength and I went into a state of physical shock.
Let’s just say that the situation was very bad.

So eventually all of this piled up, and on the firm recommendation of my psychologist, I took sick leave.
I was on sick leave for a month and a half until, at my initiative, my employer and I mutually agreed to terminate my employment.

I believe that something inside me broke very strongly at that workplace.
By that point, I had been climbing the career ladder upward for years, paying for it with my health.
Until I felt that I simply could no longer work under “someone else’s hand”.

By then, my inner voice had long been calling inside me like a voice crying out in an empty desert, “Agneees! Agnes! Please focus only on your own company!”
I ignored it, or rather, it would be more accurate to say that I tried to find a golden middle ground.
Working a salaried job while also doing Krapsakas work on the side.
But the reality was that I had completely burned out my nervous system.
Living for years in a constant fight-or-flight mode had done its job.

And so I left that salaried job.
I thought I could still go work somewhere else.
And actually, that was my goal, to go back to full-time employment once again.

Until two days after leaving that job, I realized that this was truly it.
My body and mind were simply no longer capable of going back to salaried work.

I gathered all my pride and called my parent and asked if I could move in with them.
They were not particularly thrilled about the idea, but they agreed nonetheless.

Within two weeks, I packed up my things and moved out of my previous home.

What happens next?

Apparently, the more attentive ones have noticed that Krapsakas now has an e-shop.
I will make a separate post about it, but since the beginning of January, the Krapsakas e-shop has been open at www.krapsakas.ee.

I moved to the countryside so that I could heal my nervous system.
Although it turns out that the atmosphere of this “home” here is so tense that it is quite a challenge to stay calm and recover at the same time.
At least the positive side is that I can truly focus on creating content and new designs for Krapsakas. And move peacefully in nature.

I feel how my nervous system is completely in a mess 😦 state.
Since I have been masking my poor well-being for years, I can still put on a brave face, but the reality is that I often simply do not have physical strength in my body.
Lifting something heavier or walking up the stairs creates a feeling that I might collapse. And there are days when the best I can do is simply function, eat, wash, take one round outside, and that is all. There is simply no strength in my body, no matter how much I may want to do things.

But I am choosing to see this situation as every cloud has a silver lining.
If I had not felt so bad, I am more than certain that I would have gone somewhere to work full-time with my tail between my legs. I would have destroyed myself even more. And eventually, I would have been in an even worse place with myself. Or would I even be alive at all?
So I accept this bad state with gratitude, because I have not been able to go back to salaried work. I am taking time to rest and recover.
And most importantly, I can create content for Krapsakas at my own pace. Because that is something that gives me strength and life energy.

And I am so sincerely and wholeheartedly grateful to you, dear readers, who have responded to the recent posts and supported me.
I was very afraid to be this purely and sincerely honest on the internet.
Especially in today’s world of scammers.
Especially since unpleasant men consistently appear in my inbox and comments, who think that extorting me and generally talking unpleasantly is something that gives them I-don’t-know-what? Power over me? That I will give them attention? That I will fall in love with them? I honestly do not understand what the goal of these men is.

But if there is something I have learned over the past months, it is this:
no matter what someone else says about me, tries to blackmail me with some strange thing (honestly, people are super weird), talks about me behind my back, and so on.
If I know who I am, what I am, why I am, and why I do what I do, and if I am not harming anyone else with it (and hopefully not myself either), then everything is fine.

The more visible you are, the more people there will be who take a dislike to you.
Should you stop living your life because of that, or stop doing the things that are important to you? Well, I don’t think you should.
Let the dogs bark, the caravan moves on anyway.

So I am moving forward.
I will not promise that there will now be a massive amount of posts, but I can say that I have at least 50 post drafts that need to be finished. Although some of them are probably already so outdated that I do not see the point in publishing them.

BUT! I am back. And I now have a deeper reason and a stronger drive to fully commit to Krapsakas and make it succeed.

So stay tuned, because in addition to the Krapsakas e-shop, a new blog category is also coming.
But I will talk more about that soon.

With love,
Krapsakas Agnes

“Buy me a coffee!” is your opportunity to say thanks.
If you like my writings and want to say thanks or encourage me to do more, you can buy me a coffee and leave a message here 🥰.

NB! It’s a one-time support (payment), just like you would buy me a coffee in real life (the price is similar as the price of coffee in real life).