Krapsakas

Who would have thought that an instinctive desire to move abroad could bring up childhood traumas and cause two major panic attacks?

When my mind had locked Italy in, I made the decision that before moving out of Estonia I would complete my driver’s license that I had paused 12 years ago. To do this, I went to a driving school, and I also wanted to finish fixing my teeth. I was in the process of replacing dental fillings that had been installed 10 years ago.
Both of these things costed time and money.

I met an Italian man who I developed a connection with and I began to put more pressure on myself, so that I could move to Italy as soon as possible.
I made the decision that the moving would take place on the first week of July at the latest.
Oh boy! What a big mistake that was! But at that moment I didn’t know that.
My nervous tension grew with time.

I tried to do my best each day so that everything would go quickly and smoothly.
However, the relationship with the Italian man became increasingly stranger. I was once in a relationship with a narcissist and similar traits started to emerge.
I thought that I was imagining it, but my body became tenser and more anxious day by day.
I know that I can fool my mind and I can even be successful at that for a short time, but I cannot fool my body in the same way.

One Saturday, I woke up early again.
By that moment, I had been sleeping very poorly for half a year and waking up early was my new norm.
I had been tidying up my home for almost two weeks and sorting out the things that I no longer used.
My lovely friend agreed to take these things and gave them a new home. It took a lot of pressure off me – I didn’t have to worry what to do with them.
My home looked like bombs had exploded in it.

In the last four years, I had moved from one end of Estonia to another twice. The first time was when a 7.5-year long relationship ended. The second time was after my life in that place had lived its time and financially it made more sense to move.
Both times, however, the move caused tremendous anxiety and a state where “the lights are on but no one is home.” In other words, where I logically understood that I needed to pack my things but the mind and body were not connected nor cooperating.

(Trigger warning – description of panic attacks)
There I sat. In the middle of the boxes and suddenly I felt a HUGE panic attack coming. I started hyperventilating. Thank God I have done spiritual work on myself for years, so I was able to react quickly. I forced myself to breathe steadily and repeated to myself as a mantra “I am safe in my body. I am safe in my home”.
At the same time, I hugged and stroked my own arms.
The tears flowed, the throat was blocked and the oxygen was running out.
I was finally able to pull myself out of that panic attack.
I didn’t understand what just happened. Usually I have some symptoms of a high anxiety state. Some signs. But this time. Zero!
This panic attack came like a lighting bolt from the clear sky.
I quickly went through the activities I had done before the panic attack and asked myself out loud “What caused this panic attack?”.
I realized: “Moving. I am breaking my sense of security. These things are the basis of my sense of security at home”.
I come from a childhood where I was not mentally safe.
However, during my adult life I have created a sense of security at every home where I have lived.
With each move, I have shattered that sense of security for my inner child. Never before had I been able to notice that.

I continued packing and a moment later I had another panic attack.
I repeated my mantra and forced myself to breathe calmly.
After that, my whole body was shaking for several hours, and the hand trembles stopped only 6 hours later.
My head was completely empty all day. Even in the evening, when I looked at myself in the mirror, I had a completely blank look. Like I had no soul or no emotions.

There was a reason why I mentioned that Italian guy before. He had a part in all of that, the creator of the ever-increasing anxiety.
A pleasant mutual match turned into walking on eggshells for weeks. I misunderstood everything according to him, and he did not explain what the “correct understanding” was. It didn’t matter if I was communicating calmly, neutrally or if I was more direct, the answer was always “haha, you still misunderstand things”. At the same time he wanted to get to know me (or so he claimed). In short, all this “communication” messed with my brain.
Until I felt that I could not continue in the same way and I stopped talking to him.

There I was – two panic attacks later, having stopped talking with a man who I had started to feel a possible future together.
Anxiety on a scale of 1-10 was a solid 10.
Absolutely EVERYTHING about moving to Italy was repulsive to me by that point.
I took the time off. I canceled my moving plans.
And I started sleeping at all kind of free moments. I came home from work and slept for hours. I tried to eat something and went back to sleep. On weekends, I continued to wake up early, but slept many hours during the day. That was my so-called routine for weeks.
I had no energy. I was like a lemon squeezed completely empty.
Until March 30, I suddenly started to have more energy. With each day the energy level slowly increased.
Today (07.04) I am already quite okay. I’m not fully myself yet, but I understand that I went through a major mental level up.
In fact, I have started to question moving to Italy.
But more about that in the next post.