Krapsakas

This is one big messy post, but if you read to the end, you’ll understand why I talked about so many different topics and how they’re all connected.
It’s a post about manipulation, assertiveness, standards, the inner child, authentic self-expression, and being overweight.
I think it’s like a little gossip-style (gossip about my own life) and blog post with a supportive message.

I’ve been away from the blog for two weeks.
Because I’ve been leveling up spiritually. I’ve been unemployed and been at home for the last few months. That time has been a great restart for getting in touch with myself again.
What do I like, what don’t I like?
What do I agree with today and what don’t I agree with?
What is important to me?
What work do I want to do? Why do I want to do it?
Who am I today?
What are my boundaries?
What are my standards?

This level-up speed has actually been wild. When I managed to get through one, the next one came right away, and so on several times in a row until the big “bang”.
I apologize to people who know nothing about the spiritual world and don’t exactly understand what I’m talking about here. I don’t have the energy to explain it any further at the moment. But I believe that the story I wrote and what follows will still be identifiable with your own life or inspiring for you.

I worked at my previous job for a little over two years.
I gave all my energy to it.
Since the nature of the job was such that I had to be available outside of working hours and on weekends, I ended up feeling like I was married to my job.
At some point, I felt like my time with this job was up and I decided to leave.
There was no beef. The job just didn’t make my eyes sparkle anymore and I felt like it had been exhausting for me for a while.

The original plan was to immediately move on to the next job.
I had a new job, but there were reasonable reasons why I still felt I didn’t want to work there. And I told them “no”.
Let’s just say that considering today’s job market, is a bold move.
Considering that a few years ago I was also in a situation where I couldn’t find a job for months because there was insane competition for the positions I wanted (which is still the case today).
But I followed my gut feeling and today I know that even if I had accepted the job offer, I would have ended up unemployed anyway because I had to get to the point where I am unemployed.
You’re probably asking why now?
Because I needed to shake off the energy and beliefs of all the people (with whom I otherwise interacted daily). As well as the beliefs and expectations of society.
I had seen in previous years that during collective vacations I managed to get a taste of who I was and what I really liked to do, and as soon as the vacation was over, within a few days I was back in the old rhythm. Forgetting my own nature and my own desires, doing what was expected of me.

Let’s fast forward to the last month or two.
I’ve written several posts in the meantime, but haven’t published them yet. Because of this, I can’t remember if any of the posts I’ve already published mention that I’ve cut a lot of people out of my life over the past year.
There were close friends, family members, etc.
Why?
Because our time was up. We had outgrown each other. And these relationships were actually toxic a long time ago, I just didn’t have the balls to end them.
But the more I made myself smaller and was a so-called bigger person where I changed myself in such a way that others would have a good time with me, the more my health started to deteriorate. I gained 24 kilos (52.91 lbs) in the last 2.5 years.
I tried everything I could – eating with gram precision for months, which stressed my body so much that I finally couldn’t eat anything anymore.
I even took a drug like Ozempic for a few months, which screwed my body even more.
Then I tried (recently) to exercise every day for a month. Vigorously. Which also stressed my body, because I didn’t give myself time to recover.
With all three of the previous methods, I lost a little weight, but it all came back just as quickly.
Then there were moments where I did nothing and tried not to be stressed.
Life is easyyyy! Yeah right, Agnes :D. Although I have to admit that this was one of the main times where I actually lost weight and kept it off.

And then.
I came home from the eyelash appointment one day and looked – a friend request sent a few hours ago.
From a person with a very specific name. I only knew one person with that name.
From the past.
I thought no. It can’t be. He wouldn’t send me a friend request!?
I went home, then opened the account for this request – yep, him.

Over the past 2 years, several people have returned to the present day from the past, so to speak, to whom I have given a second chance to communicate.
I thought hmm. What do I do?
My gut didn’t say “no” or “yes”.
I sat for a while and finally decided to accept this invitation.

Honestly! I was a feline in a past life or my soul totem is feline, because of this curiosity and 9 lives! Haha.
You don’t want to know how many times I have tried things like this in my life (not just human communication).
Like “But what will happen then?” :D:D
I don’t know if I should say here “It’s hard to be stupid” or “Nah! Life is for experiencing and enjoying!”.

So what happened?
We started communicating. I set clear boundaries right from the start and also said that I wasn’t looking for a relationship.
Within a couple of weeks, all my initially set boundaries had been nicely reset and it went so smoothly that I didn’t even notice it. There were moments when I had to clearly state again what my boundaries were.
But when you’re told such beautiful words, it’s easy to forget your guard and *blump* you’ve already forgotten your own boundaries.
Which eventually led to stress in my body. Let’s add that I was about to start my period, which made me even more moody. Absolutely a bombshell moment.

I knew what this person’s behavior pattern was. I hoped that it had changed.
Little sweet naive Agnes.
It had NOT changed. And it was the same thing as last time. The first few weeks were a very beautiful story, love bombing.
From some point on, I felt like the connection was somehow out of balance or something was “off”. I couldn’t put my finger on what exactly.
Because everything seemed fine on the surface, but something was off for me. Whether it was a feminine instinct or a gut feeling.
But my body was cramping more and more every day. Which is a powerful indicator for me that things need to change, and as soon as possible.

I have a blog post ready with a more difficult topic, but it is exactly right for this.
Where I talk more about manipulative behaviors.
I will be honest, I have not published it because I have not had the courage.
There is a description of another person’s relationship, which also includes domestic abuse. And I have not yet come to a conclusion whether it is still ok to publish without a person’s identity or not.
As I am writing this, I realize that I actually subconsciously recognized the manipulative behavior of the man (whom I talked about in the previous paragraph) at the beginning of our communication.
Because I wrote the draft of this dom. abuse post at the end of the second week of our communication. And I would not have been able to write this post so passionately if I had not experienced this same behavior in my own life.
Ai-ai-ai! (eng. Ouch-ouch-ouch! ).
Please listen to your gut! If something is off, then it is off! You will have time to discuss what exactly was there later.

Coming back to this communication.
It must have been by the end of the third week, when I was really getting tired of it.
I calmly told him how I felt, what I was thinking, what my expectations were, and that something was off.
To which I received a response with caps lock to calm down. Everything should be fine, I’m just having my period.
Old Agnes (e.g. a year ago) would have pulled her tail between her legs and walked away whimpering and listened like a good girl.
What did I do?
I stuck to my gut feeling.

Did I get upset that I was clearly being gaslighted and manipulated? Of course, I did.
At one point I even went along with it (one message).
But then I realized that this is exactly the same pattern that I saw every day in my childhood, that I saw in my long-term relationship, as well as in communication with many other people.
Because the person replied to me that I should calm down and that everything was fine and that we would communicate again in 4-5 days when my period was over.
Even though, as I said, I did not feel that everything was fine.
So, I simply ended this communication calmly.
I said that the trust was broken and I don’t feel emotionally safe (there were other things that made me say it was clearly gaslighting, but not everything has to be in public).
I deleted the chat window for both of us so that we wouldn’t be able to communicate again, and I also removed him from my friends list on the other app.

For a moment, there was a slight doubt that maybe I was overreacting. But I know myself today. Before I start “slamming doors”, I communicate with the person opposite me repeatedly. I try to understand and comprehend the perspectives of both parties.
But it is very difficult to see the perspective of another person if it simply does not exist.
I wrote my text, and he replied with a completely different answer, I wrote again to bring attention back to the topic, and he wrote again on a completely different topic + he lovebombed me.
And then I just sat and smirked and thought, “Wow, you can communicate like that too”, Hugh?
I became wiser in life again with experience, haha.

Oh my, what anger started to build up and it got bigger and bigger every day.
And I was so terribly tired all the time! No matter what I did, more or less, I was still tired all the time. One day I even slept for 4 hours during the day. FOUR HOURS!
I can never sleep that long unless I’m really tired.
All this anger and tiredness started to get to me, because it’s absolutely not my behavior. And I couldn’t help myself. I just knew that I had to feel these feelings to the end.

Hmm, how do I put this in writing publicly now?
Do you know how difficult it is to find a middle ground?
So that you, the reader, can take something from the experience, so to speak, but at the same time I can’t throw all my personal things into the internet.
Especially if they concern other people. This is also the reason why I talk about people in posts in such a way that they are defined roughly as “close person” or “siblings”.
But not exactly brother or sister; mother or father etc.
Because my goal is not to shame anyone. My goal is to give other people the courage and support that things can be changed and people can always make better choices.

So.. I had been angry for over a week.
Especially because I FINALLY realized how my life force energy was being used.
It’s so nice and great to communicate with someone who sees a cup half full as half full, not half empty. And then just take that energy from there, but give minimally or nothing in return.
I was very angry because people were running over me.
I was very angry about how I gave my all but got scraps or nothing in return.
At some point, this feeling of anger became downright terrifying for me, because it wasn’t my behavior. I can be annoyed or irritated for a really long time.
But it was specifically anger.
And not anger towards the man I was talking about, no.
I stopped caring about him very quickly. Because I understood how I was treated and there was nothing for me to “cry about”.

And then.. one day I was waiting outside a meeting because I arrived a little early. There were books in the waiting area. Out of curiosity, I flipped through one of them.
You probably know that saying “If you want some guidance or instruction, think about that topic and open the book at any point”. M-hmmm!
What was looking at me?
“The truth is that our partner can’t respect our boundaries because we don’t respect them ourselves”.
Oh my!
When I read that sentence, my light bulb went on really brightly, haha.

Because I set the boundaries. And just as wisely as I set them, I also crossed them and let him cross them too.
It was exactly the same story all these years with my family, friends, colleagues, bosses, etc.
How could anyone respect me IF I DIDN’T RESPECT MYSELF!?
All these years, people around me were mentally violent with me, because I WAS MENTALLY VIOLENT WITH MYSELF!
I never created a safe environment for myself. I gave in to my boundaries so that others would be comfortable and happy.

Just today, while working in the kitchen, I was thinking about how my whole life I had such close friends that when two people who were both my friends but didn’t know each other met, there was always a strange tension in the air.
Why?
Because I always modeled myself after other people.
Someone seemed cool and nice? Great! Let’s bring out the sides of me that fit that person.
Same story with another person? Great! Now let’s bring out the other sides that fit that other person.
And the same pattern was everywhere. I was like a chameleon.
For God’s sake, so that I wouldn’t be alone!
For God’s sake, I’d still be liked by everyone!
Poor sweet soul!
How it really broke me! I always felt alone. No matter how many people were around me. No matter how “cool” they weren’t. I always felt alone because I DIDN’T MEET MYSELF!
I didn’t allow myself to be authentically myself everywhere.
Instead, I was a little chameleon, changing my colors to match my surroundings.

I would like to mention here that of course, we can have different friends in life for completely different “bond” topics. But the story behind my story was that when I was with these different friends, I felt like a split personality.
Because one friend knew me according to one worldview and the other knew me according to a radically different worldview. So who was I supposed to be in their midst? What version of myself should I show?

As a side note:
The thoughts are from the book “Kohvrid ukse taha” (eng. Suitcases behind the door”) by Laura Valk.
If you are Estonian and know who I am talking about, then I will say here that I remain neutral towards this person. I do not know her personally and I am not sufficiently familiar with her work.
She is rather a young therapist who has gained notoriety in the Estonian landscape with her fiery statements.
I looked at this book with an open mind, what can I take away from it in this context that would help me move forward?

What else I remembered from the book is:
Suppressing yourself causes anxiety disorders.
Did I know this because I had decoded it for myself a few years ago? Of course!
Did I still put blinders on and pretend I didn’t know that? Of course!
Did I know that suppressing yourself causes diseases in the body? Of course!
Did I choose to live in a pain body and let the body hide behind fat? Of course! Because for some reason, it was much more comfortable to be in the role of the victim for all these last 3.5 years.

There was also a place there that talked about speaking your truth at all costs.
All those patterns learned from childhood, how to be a good child. How not to make mistakes.
How to please everyone. Even as a little child, I had the character of a big dog. I was curious. Even as a child, I was interested in how and why the world works? How does a refrigerator work? What does this road sign mean? And I was not afraid to express my truth!
Until my parents couldn’t handle it and started to mentally shape me into something smaller. Which ended with me apologizing for absolutely EVERYTHING. Until it started to get on one of my parents’ nerves and them call to order with me to stop apologizing.
To which I started apologizing for apologizing at all.
Hughh.

Do you know what happens to your body when you have to make yourself smaller, but the energy still doesn’t fit in that smaller place?
When you can’t express yourself safely?
You start to gain weight.
My whole life my weight has been going up and down like a yo-yo.
So when I can be myself, express my truth, and feel mentally and physically safe in an environment, my weight drops dramatically.
I don’t have to do anything more than eat normally healthy.
I’m not talking about a diet here. But I don’t eat processed foods for every meal, and I don’t go to McDonalds every week or every month, etc.
And I move in a way that makes me feel happy and good while doing it.
So that my inner child feels seen, heard, and happy.

I actually knew this in the last few years. I had seen it at least twice in my life HOW FANTASTICLY my excess fat melted away when I was in a supportive environment and doing the things I really enjoyed and speaking my truth.
Why did I forget or ignore it?
Because it was part of leveling up. No leveling up is a straight line. It’s like driving on a winding, up-and-down road. We can heal ourselves and be super happy and then after a while, you’re going through the same thing EVEN more. Annoying, but that’s how life works.

Being at my heaviest weight I’ve ever weighed… it’s hard.
And especially physically hard. I miss moving more. I miss working out. But my body hasn’t allowed me to do that kind of exercise for almost 10 years.
Our bodies aren’t stupid.
If you don’t listen to what your body is gently trying to tell you at first. If you don’t listen to yourself. If you don’t listen to your gut. If you’re disconnected from yourself.
Then your body will do everything to make you listen to yourself!

For the past few years, but especially the past few months, I have felt like the answer to my weight loss problem is literally right under my nose, but I can’t see it.
I think it was more that I didn’t want to see it.
Because to see it, I had to really look in the mirror and admit that I had given responsibility for my life to other people. My friends, my family, my bosses, my colleagues, my therapist, my doctor, etc.
Because “Other people know better what’s right for me” and “But society says that’s what I have to do”.
I have broken down so many times mentally over the past few years that I can’t even count them all. BUT, with each breakup, an EVEN stronger version of me has grown.

You hear these warnings over and over again on social media that you shouldn’t reveal yourself. You shouldn’t talk about what you’ve been through. Because it’s too much self-revelation.
Yes. On the one hand, I agree with that.
On the other hand, the topics I share on my blog or Krapsaka’s social media channels are almost always topics that have been resolved for me. Where I’ve already made a firm decision.
I don’t allow myself to put myself in a situation where something is still so fresh for me or I’m not sure about myself and then bring myself out in public with raw vulnerability so that they can scold me.

And, if the suggestion is that your new partner shouldn’t know about your past or how you were once (emphasis on the word once!!) treated, then I’m sorry, but this partner doesn’t deserve you anyway.
You know where the door is, either leave yourself or show this partner the door.

I would like to mention that my point is not that you meet someone new and then talk about all the traumas in your life from start to finish.
No. My point is that talking about your past here and there over time with a healthy attitude is the basis of a healthy relationship.

You are not just two people living under the same roof. You are people in a relationship who should know about different topics from each other.
Keeping things secret is equivalent to hiding your truth. Hiding yourself.
You are either afraid or not allowing yourself to be authentically yourself.
If you are afraid to be authentically yourself, then it is either about your own unresolved issues or your partner is not a safe person for you and you know it subconsciously but don’t dare to admit it to yourself.
Whatever the reason is – it needs to be addressed!
Otherwise, you will either consciously or subconsciously be unhappy in your relationship or unhappy in life.
And your body will most likely start to express it in one way or another. Some weird disease here, then there. Nobody knows what it is. Autoimmune disorders. Cancers, etc.

I was still able to talk about five different topics, but it was necessary, and those people who really need to hear this story will understand this text.


I’ll summarize the whole subject as follows-
My “Enough is enough” cup was filled with a big round of applause.
After that, I really leveled up.
Today, I no longer make myself smaller and am not afraid to speak my truth. No matter what I may be in the eyes of others. I remain myself. Obviously, we all have different masks in different areas and topics – friend, colleague, employer, employee, client, mother, father, daughter, son, etc.
I believe that wearing these masks and showing more of ourselves at times is okay.
But at the same time, our authenticity must still be preserved. Our true nature.
It’s just that at home you are freer than at work. That’s okay.
By the way! I’ve already started to apply this with different people and it’s great to see how I don’t die. Haha. People don’t really know who you are. So choose to be yourself.

I let my weight go.
I haven’t hated my body for years. On the contrary, I love it the way it is and I’m grateful that it lets me live and do everyday things and discover and experience the world.
In the last few months, I’ve been super focused on what I eat, how I eat, and how much I move.
And that, surprise surprise, led to even more stress.
As funny as it may be. Or as unbelievable as it may sound, from the moment I forgave myself for being violent towards myself all these last years (not being authentically myself) and allowed myself to let go of the weight issue – my appetite returned the very next day. It had already reached the extremes in the meantime, where I didn’t want to eat anything.
And my mood also returned. My energy came back and my motivation to write also returned. So yayyy!

We cannot push or suppress energies, at least not if we want a positive outcome.

So my journey from here continues by trying to keep my inner child as happy as possible, because she is the one who shows me how to be a mature Agnes, which makes me happy today.
What brings ease?
Life should be easy.

That doesn’t mean there aren’t difficulties in life or that you don’t have to overcome things. You still have to.
But we don’t have to live life with gritted teeth, nose bleeding, hating ourselves and others and the whole world.
It can also be easy and with love.

I am also truly grateful for all the people and experiences that made my life hell and broke me. Without them, I would not have consciously chosen to make better choices and I would not have learned to love myself = I would not have unlearned broken patterns and created new patterns that support me.
When you are still so damn uncomfortable, so damn painful that you just can’t stand it anymore.. only then do you REALLY start making changes. Before that, you sit in the pain body, complaining to everyone how hard it is for you, but without consciously changing anything yourself.
So I am very grateful to this man for making me feel so bad, because otherwise, this cup would not have been completely full and dissolved.

I hope this post inspired you, that you can take something with you from it.
Or that it stuck with you, and if you meet someone in your life who could benefit from this post, you can share it with them.

If you feel that you have an thought for this post or want to share a similar experience, please write that in the comments.

With love,
Krapsakas Agnes