Krapsakas

It’s a post about setting boundaries, friendship, domestic violence, and helping people in general.

I was inspired to write this post by this Instagram video.

I don’t remember exactly when I started to express it, but my desire has always been to help people.

I remember when I was a little kid playing on the playground. I intervened in a fight between two younger brothers. They were fighting physically, hitting and hurting each other.
I should mention that this was the early 2000s. So it was common for children to be out alone without their parents.
I also remember that there were many such interventions.
I remember that even as a child I wanted people to be happy.
That the world could be made a better place!
This idea has carried me a lot in my adult life. Every year it has become closer and closer to my heart.

I remember hearing about the strength of ants at school. How strong they are!
That ants can lift things much heavier than themselves, especially when they do it as a team.
This way of thinking is stuck in my brain.
If ants can move such big things, then we, humans, can do it too!

And so I tried to do my best in every field. Helping everyone who needed help and also those who didn’t ask for help.
This kind of helping became bigger when I spiritually awakened in 2020.
I wanted to share with everyone the knowledge that I heard from elsewhere and what helped me.
I wanted so much for others to wake up too.
So that they would see that life does not have to be monotonous. 
There are so many different colors, textures, smells, and tastes in life!
And so, unsuspectingly, I kept going and telling everyone who would listen to me.

I helped those who did not ask for help.
And my own life energy actually kept decreasing and decreasing. Because I also gave
my life energy to those who either did not deserve it or did not ask for help.

Helping people who don’t ask for help

This is actually quite a cruel thing to do.
Every reasonable person has a place in their heart where at some point or another they would like to go and help someone when they see that someone else is in trouble or need.
Whether it’s a simple matter of lifting a shopping bag or helping them out of a major emotional slump.

If you’re a more empathetic person, however, this is especially difficult for you.
IF you haven’t made your own boundaries clear.

A boundless empath will always jump headfirst into the water and fall in to help, teach, and guide others.
It’s in their nature.
But should it be that way?

A friend in an abusive relationship

* In violent relationships, it’s not just women who are victims. Men can be victims too. It’s just talked about less. *

NB! I would like to emphasize here that I am not belittling any person who is in such a relationship! I know from my own experience how difficult it is to leave.

-To protect this person and their loved ones, I will use gender-neutral language to describe the story. My goal is not to disparage this person but to provide a real-life example.-

Years ago, I had a friend who was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship

I spent months listening to my friend’s stories about their partner. I learned how bad the physical abuse was, not to mention the regular emotional abuse. Where the children were also  mental abuse victims (sidenote- certain institutions were aware of it).

At one point, however, this friend got fed up and decided to break up with their partner.
This kind of back-and-forth relationship had happened before.

I was very happy for my firend! Their were shining again! Their was happy and full of life. The children’s behavior also started to improve over time.
This kind of life lasted for a fairly short time.
Because at one point, the partner was back.

The partner came to visit once and stayed there for hours, then came to visit a second time and also stayed there for hours.
It seemed suspicious to me, because my friend suddenly started talking about how that partner had changed overnight, still loves my friend and deeply regrets their actions.

Let me say here that this exact same pattern had repeated itself in their lives many times.

And this time too, my friend thought that love could save this relationship. That this completely abusive partner had changed.

I tried to mirror back to my friend all the same stories and feelings that their had been telling me for months.
To which I got the following response: “You know. I’m sorry. I expressed myself badly. You misunderstood. It’s not that bad after all”.

The honest answer here is that when I heard that sentence, I felt like I had run into a wall and then asked myself why my nose was in pain?
Partner. Violent, both mentally and physically.
And I misunderstood, because my friend expressed themself badly.

But what really happened? 

That partner is an extremely skilled subtle manipulator. Who can imitate the warmest state without blinking an eye. 
Offering you coffee and snacks when you visit, talking happily with you about various topics.
And oh, I know very well how such subtle manipulators can instantly twist others around their finger, so that at the end you are left with the feeling that “Hey! I really thought much worse of you! You are such a nice and pleasant person!”.

Subtle manipulators can keep up their facade for quite a long time if they want.
Until something miraculous can break their facade in an instant. And their ugly side comes out.
I know this because one of my parents is like that and I’ve had partners like that too.
I honestly say that it is amazing how these people have acting skills.

What happened to me and my friend friendship when their partner was back in them life?

I tried to explain to my friend that, look, you’ve been very skillfully manipulated.
I understand how quickly such manipulation can happen. You haven’t done anything wrong. But please think about yourself and your children.
Do you still want such a person in your life? If that partner has a bad effect on both you and your children?

My friend’s answer to me was that, that partner has changed and they are happy together.
This was the point where I hold up my hands and gave up.

I told my friend politely, but precisely, that I no longer wanted to be involved in their life. Because through my friend’s stories, I, as an empath, also experienced my friend’s feelings.
Because in the previous months, hearing very difficult and unpleasant stories about this relationship, it had already negatively affected me.

I set a clear boundary. My friend is welcome in my life, IF this partner is not in my friend’s life anymore.

What happened?

I was accused of being selfish. How I don’t see the big picture. How I don’t know what family life and effort mean.

Without naming names, the same topic came up during one of my doctor’s visits where I had to answer about my circle of friends. And there, too, I heard the same accusations – how dare I leave my friend’s life when my friend really needed me the most.

Explaining that I wasn’t this friend’s only friend and why I set clear boundaries didn’t interest anyone.

You know what?

It’s very easy to point fingers and say why don’t you sacrifice yourself!?
You have to do it! If you don’t, you’re a bad person!

My opinion is no!
If you set a clear boundary.
If you try, you’re calm and patient.
You explain.
You try to offer support.
But the person in front of you is NOT asking for help. 
They like their life the way it is. 
Then no!
No, you don’t have to sacrifice yourself in this relationship or topic.
If you have set clear boundaries.
If you know how and in what way such a relationship or topic affects you badly, then you DO NOT HAVE to feel bad in any way for standing up for yourself.

Trigger warning!
The following paragraph contains descriptions of physical violence.
Please do not read if you are sensitive! 

I will mark it in bold black when the tiger finishes, just scroll down halfway.

A long time ago, I had a middle-aged couple as neighbors

A long time ago, I had a middle-aged couple as neighbors. The man was crazy.
Crazy with papers prescribed by a psychiatrist.
You can’t imagine how brutally this man beat his woman. 

People always make fun of the traditional American paper walls. 
In Northern Europe, however, most of the walls are made of strong concrete. In this house, however, the walls were mostly American paper walls.

So, waking up in the middle of the night to a woman crying hysterically and begging to stop beating her was normal. 
And the way you hear the sounds of the beatings..

Let’s just say that after moving out of that home, it took me years not to flinch when a strange man came too close to me, who was of the same ethnicity as my that time neighbor.

I even went to the local police station to speak to the district manager and he confirmed that the police were aware of this beating situation, but they couldn’t help this woman because she didn’t want help (read: ask help).

The police were aware of these beatings. 
All the neighbors were aware. 

This woman regularly left home for a couple of weeks every now and then and returned every time. 

No one could help this woman because she didn’t ask for help!

No matter how hard it was for the bystanders to watch the situation, we couldn’t help this woman more than calling the police when the beating got out of hand. 
But since she didn’t file a complaint with the police, their lives continued the same way.

This is where the trigger warning part ends.

Bad friend

My friend is still with this partner and their life hasn’t changed. It’s not the happy life my friend was promised.

My friend and I talk on birthdays.
But we’re not in each other’s lives anymore.
I believe we were both a bit stubborn and at the same time, we both set boundaries. 
My friend chose them partner, I chose my mental well-being.

Over the years, this story has come up here and there without naming names, and time and time again I encounter the attitude that I was a bad friend for leaving. 

Today I say that I prefer wear to be called a bad friend. Even though I know that I actually tried to support my friends and be there for them as much as I could and was able to at the time.
But I can’t save someone who doesn’t want help.

This friend knows that I’m there for them IF them leave them partner.
The bridges aren’t completely burned.
However, I chose and will continue to choose my own mental well-being and good mental health.

* Oh boy! HOW difficult it is to write gender-neutrally in English. 
In Estonian, we refer to him/her in a gender-neutral way and this makes speaking gender-neutral many times easier.  I hope you understood something from this story.

In summary

I would like to emphasize that this post is not a call to abandon your friends and loved ones who are in abusive relationships!

I agree that people in such relationships need help and support.
But you don’t run into a burning house to save someone IF it’s not safe for you!
If we notice someone in need of help, of course we should respond, but in a way that doesn’t put ourselves in danger or harm.

I really liked the sentence at the end of this Instagram video about the coast guard.

“As a coast guard, you go to save the person who swims towards you!
Because them wants to accept help.”

I think it’s the same in everyday life.

You can only help and support those people who ask for your help and are ready to accept it. Otherwise, the whole helping activity becomes harmful to you, in one way or another.

With love,
Krapsakas Agnes