Krapsakas

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This post reflects my personal thoughts and perspectives on Krapsakas blog.
It is not intended as scientific, medical, or professional advice.
Some parts may feel confronting or triggering to certain readers.
Take what resonates, and leave everything that doesn’t.

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“You cannot be this serious!”
“You cannot be this selfish!”
“How can you be so direct?”
“How can you speak about things so openly and so directly!?”
“Why are you so uncompromising?”
“Why are you so strict?”

Do you know HOW many similar sentences I have heard in my life?

How I am harsh, strict, how I do not know how to take things lightly, how I demand a lot or even too much, and so on.

Do you know who, in essence, almost never has anything to say about my “too much” demands, my determination, my unwavering moving forward?
The people who are similar to themselves, who work with themselves, who have a direction to move forward in life, and who continue to grow. Those who are not afraid to make mistakes, or if they are, admit their mistakes and learn from them.

Do you know who has always complained about me in these matters?

The people who do not get any benefit from my determination.
The people with whom I expose with my behaviour, even without directly trying to do it.
The people who want to gain something from me, in one way or another, but mostly from my energy.

Do you know how delicious the energy of people is who move forward in life and who shine?
Attractive for those people who sit inside their own unhappiness, who seemingly wish to move forward, but who in reality do not take real steps for it, and instead keep walking in circles in one place.

Very, very tempting.
Because a person who moves forward is also a moving force and energy.
It is like fuel.

I was afraid to be strict and selfish

I have sincerely and seriously spent most of my life being afraid to be who I am.
Let me correct my own sentence, I was afraid to fully accept that part of myself.

Meaning that side which is strict, which expects more from itself and from others.
Who has high standards, who moves forward, who allows herself to fall and make mistakes, and takes wisdom and experience from it.

What finally brought me to the point of accepting all of that?

It was seeing how, over the years, I had been used by the people closest to me.
Clearly, we all use someone in some way.
One helps one person more during one period, then later it can be the opposite.

But what I mean here is something else. I was used through energy. People became comfortable with what I kept giving.
The moment I started seeing patterns, my attention was redirected to other topics, or I was told, in a manipulative way, that I had understood things wrongly again.
Or someone made themselves the victim, “How can you accuse me like this, I have not behaved like that!”.
M-hmm, of course not..

Everything changed when, first, hate started being directed toward one of the most important souls for me, someone who carries a lot of my own character as well. Someone whose nature is actually neutral or even kind.
The amount of hostility that soul received, indescribable and silencing.

To this was added a completely accidental overheard conversation (not intentional listening or trying to hear. That is an important difference), where people were speaking about me and about my behaviour.

The conversation happened between two people whom I believed wished me well. Because they were among the people closest to me.

The final dot on the i came from my current living companions, which means small children.

I often thought that maybe I am the “mean aunt”, because I expect more, I correct when lines are crossed (when completely foolish things are done), and so on.

Just the other day I told the older child, “Please put that X thing away. Those are your things. If you learn to clean up after yourself as a child, life will be significantly easier for you as an adult. I am not upset in a bad way, I am saying it so your future would be easier and better”.

You should have seen that child’s face.
If a look could kill.
I thought, okay, did I just earn the title of the worst aunt now?

The next day. The child came home from school and.. please, drumroll.
Who came quietly to ask me, “Aunt Agnes, would you teach me how to fry an egg?”.
The same child with whom I had argued because of careless habits.

There have been more situations like this. Moments where I have thought: “Alright!
Now I truly am the worst of the worst. Because I expect more. Because I do not allow everything.”
And then they come to me, “Can I come walking with you?” or “I will come outside with you too (into the yard), because I am bored inside!”.
You do not force a single child to happily join you if THEY do not want to.
So why do they want to come with me and why do they dare to ask me for help, if I am “so mean”?

We all need boundaries to feel safe

I am using children as an example at the moment, but in reality the same applies to us adults as well.
Our nervous system needs boundaries. It needs a certain previous understanding of how far something goes, what is okay (safe) and what is not.

For example, if we did not know which food is safe for us to eat and which is poisonous, then our nervous system and all other senses that evaluate danger would stay constantly tense and alert. It would steadily exhaust us and damage our health.

So this is also why children dare to come and ask for help, why they want to come walking with me, because I set boundaries. I do not allow everything.
Their nervous system is calmer when they are with me.
They sense subconsciously that my “mean presence” is not actually unpleasant meanness, but creating safety.

The same applies to adults.
Have you ever noticed how two people may seem similar, yet with one of them you feel significantly freer and more comfortable than with the other?

You may notice that one person is naturally more relaxed inside themselves.
For example, they dare to make mistakes, they joke about themselves.
Even if they speak sarcastically or make a joke about you, there is no malicious intention behind it.
It is more like good, friendly teasing.

And then next to that is another person, seemingly nice and warm.
But you do not dare to be truly free with them.
You do not dare to fully relax.
And when you observe their behaviour a little more closely, you start seeing that this person also jokes, but there is a malicious, mocking undertone inside it.
You also notice how this person has no boundaries. Everything is allowed. Take it easy! Why do you worry so much?

So your nervous system does not know what to expect from that person.
If everything is allowed. Life is easy. Everything is free.
Then for your nervous system, it means many unexpected moments that must constantly be reacted to.
You never know where danger may suddenly appear.
At what point something does not suit that “free” soul anymore and they become angry or even aggressive.

Because none of us is capable of being completely “without boundaries” until the end.
Somewhere, we all still have our own wishes.
None of us is completely selfless.
We still want something.
Expect something.
Wish for something.

Damn, it feels good to be villain

I have spent the last few months seriously fighting with my own “villain” side.
To place myself above others.
Where my expectations, standards and presence are the priority.
Where I do not make compromises.

Over the years I have paid a very high price with my health for being afraid to be that person.

Afraid that if I demand, if I set strict boundaries, if I do not make compromises, then in everyone’s eyes I become unpleasant and a bad person.

And so I kept making compromises.
While quietly undermining my own nervous system.
Which by today has become so exhausted and worn down that I have been healing it for the last half year at a very, very, very very slow pace.
But luckily, signs of improvement are visible.

And so one day I said to my current house companion (meaning the adult I currently live with): “You know, now the situation is such that from now on I can watch the children only 1 to 2 times a week (during the second half of the day). I need to focus on my own company”.

Did I feel a little bad? Yes.

But quite quickly that feeling was followed by satisfaction.
Satisfaction, because I felt how my body relaxed.
I set a clear boundary.

Yes, for a moment it created tension between us.
But after explaining why I set this kind of new standard, she understood me.
For me, however, it means safety.
My nervous system knows what to expect.

Because I set that boundary myself. Before that, I never knew whether suddenly my whole week would become occupied, because children always become sick unexpectedly, or not.

Now I know that I have at least 3 to 4 workdays during the week, even if one of the children is sick.

“But that is not being a villain”

I think every people pleaser, every former stronger people pleaser, or also every person who does not yet dare to stand firmly for themselves, knows how uncomfortable it is to set such boundaries.

Clearly, with this whole post I do not mean that I am some villain who goes around taking down the bad ones.

The point of my story is that when you set boundaries, when you keep standards, then it creates safety both for your nervous system and for the people around you, because both you and others know what to expect from you or what you expect from yourself.

Clearly, not everything in life can be planned in advance.
But you can keep standards, set boundaries.
And that already creates a new, safer and better ground.
Even if someone calls you because of that “villain”, “selfish”, or “strict person”.

So what?
Let them call.

“A strict person does not take things lightly!” – wrong!
Do you know what life has shown me?

The people who set boundaries in a safe way (meaning not by shouting, but by speaking calmly), who have higher standards, who expect more both from themselves and from others.
They are also significantly freer.
They are actually more relaxed.
They do not comment on your small things or on other people’s small things, because they are too occupied with living their own life.

There is order and structure in their life.
They actually have more free time.
They genuinely enjoy life.
They have more interesting hobbies.
And as people, they are many times more balanced and more interesting.

Do you know what else comes with this kind of “villain” state?
You yourself become calmer, you manage to do more, and you are much more open and more supportive toward others.

It is a strange paradox.

The more there are known rules and standards for yourself and for others, the more you have the strength to be there for others and the quality of relationships becomes significantly better.

So if I have to choose whether I am a “villain”, who is strict, with high standards, moving forward in life, firm and strict, then heck yeah!
Absolutely I am!
I place myself first (because only like that can I truly be there for others).
I am selfish (and I also deeply love others).
And I enjoy life.
I enjoy life and its adventures.

With love,
Krapsakas Agnes


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