Krapsakas

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This post reflects my personal thoughts and perspectives on Krapsakas blog.
It is not intended as scientific, medical, or professional advice.
Some parts may feel confronting or triggering to certain readers.
Take what resonates, and leave everything that doesn’t.

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I have been on a mental and spiritual journey for at least the past 11 years. It’s been 6 years since I awakened.
During this time, I have tried to attract those who are on a similar path as me.
But often I have found myself looking at people who say they are going through the same things, yet when I look deeper into them, it doesn’t feel true.
I understand that this is both my misfortune and my gift: I feel and see people’s emotions and inner states more strongly and more clearly than they admit to themselves.

Usually, the situation looks like this: I start talking about a topic. The person across from me joins in, nodding enthusiastically, fully engaged.
And then at some point, I realize, wait. Something is off.
This is surface-level.

“Yes! I’ve been through that too! My life has been really hard as well!”
“Yes! I’ve gone through X too. It was absolutely terrible!”

And if you keep listening, a pattern appears. They have gone through those experiences. So in that sense, they are not lying.
But what they have not gone through is the depth of it.

That dark place where you stand in front of mirror. You look yourself in the eyes and admit, to yourself, how you even got to that point.
What led you there?
What were the things you did not do?
When did you say “yes” to when you should have said “no”?
When did you say “no” when you should have said “yes”?
I could keep listing these kinds of questions endlessly.

What I’m trying to say is this: people do go through painful and ugly experiences.
They feel things no one should have to go through.
Their souls get hurt. Sometimes their physical body too.

But they don’t go through it on a deeper, inner level.

They listen to someone else telling a similar story, saying they went through this or that, had these kinds of feelings.
Or they hear a spiritual person speak about it, and they nod along: “Yes! Exactly! I’ve had that too! I’ve been through all of it!”

But they don’t go through it deeply. Not the dark part. Not the painful part.
Not the part where your ego is screaming, your soul is crying, and you are so at odds with yourself that you feel like you want to climb straight up a wall just to escape that overwhelming, suffocating feeling inside.

And you can relax that frown now. I’ve been that person too.
The one who nodded along and beat their chest, saying “me too,” while never truly facing the dark side within.

That is what is actually called shadow work.

Experiencing something vs experiencing it with shadow work

Both are, without a doubt, experiences.
There was a situation or a long-term circumstance that caused pain.
One thing is to simply go through it. Another is to go through it and do shadow work alongside it.
The term “shadow work” has many definitions, but for me, it means that in addition to living through the situation, you take responsibility for your part in it and allow yourself to fully feel all the darker emotions that come up with it.

In any situation, there are at least two sides.
It is easy to point fingers at others and say: “But they did this and that! I suffered!”.

But did you set a boundary?
Did you uphold your standards?
Do you even have boundaries?
Have you clearly defined what your boundaries are?
Do you even have standards?
Have you clearly thought through what your standards are?

Just as the other person is responsible for what happened, so are you.
Even when it is brutally painful and uncomfortable to admit, to yourself and even more so to others.

If you’ve never done shadow work and you’re now wondering how it works

Honestly, it’s simple. Very simple :D.
So simple that you just admit to yourself what you did in that situation. What you said, or even more importantly, what you did not say when you should have.

This part of admitting to yourself also involves feeling through your feelings.
And that, my dear, is one of the nastiest and most unpleasant places.
Because from there come such feelings that sometimes it feels like you’re dying in them or you just don’t recognize yourself.

“Why am I so upset?”
“Why am I walking around like a nervous wreck?”
“I don’t act like that, do I?”
“Why am I so irritated?”
“Why does everything annoy me?”
“Why are you even breathing wrong?”

The fastest way through this phase is to let yourself feel it. Fully.
Be stubborn.
Be angry.
Scream.
Cry.
Feel sorry for yourself.
Let it out!

The more freely and deeply you allow yourself to feel, the faster you move through it.
And there is no timeline here. It can take hours, days, weeks, months, or even years.
It depends on how long you resist those emotions.

Through all of this, you start to see your darker sides, the parts you would rather hide from everyone.
This includes shame, guilt, self-pity, temptation, intense anger, anxiety, and more.
These are the parts that have been suppressed.

After shadow work

Life has shown me that after doing shadow work, people naturally develop higher standards.
They no longer settle so easily for less, whether it is in situations, behavior, or relationships.
And they often stop aligning with many of the “old” people in their lives.

Why?

Because they have clearly seen the price they pay when they allow certain behavior or repeat certain patterns.
They become aware of what it costs them to let others treat them that way again, or to keep choosing the same actions that led them into that inner work in the first place.

In summary

In a strangely “magical” way, after doing deep shadow work and raising your standards, you may suddenly become labeled as a “cold bitch” or “too proud” by others.
But so what? At the end of the day, this is your life. And what matters more, your well-being or theirs?

Have you ever done shadow work? What did it feel like for you?

With love,
Krapsakas Agnes

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