This post is based on my personal thoughts on Krapsakas blog.
It’s not scientific or evidence-based, and it may be triggering for some.
Take what resonates, and leave everything that doesn’t.
I know some people love labeling others. So let me say from the start that this post is simply a glimpse into my thoughts about friendships and different personality types. Not a case of “Oh my God! Did you realize just how amazing I am!?”
When I ask “What do you give me?” I don’t mean it in a transactional or cold way.
I mean it in terms of energy, resonance, shared mindset, humor, experiences, and mutual presence.
Whether we actually meet each other in a space where both people feel seen and both contribute naturally.
The more I have gotten to know myself, what I like and what I don’t like, the more I have realized what a complete “alien” I am.
I have a broad perspective and worldview. I’m intelligent, with a sarcastic sense of humor. I’m deeply curious about the world and human nature. And I’m very passionate.
And then there is a world where many people just go on. They just are. Doing the exact same things day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year.
Same place to live. Same job or field of work. Same relationships. Same vacation locations. Etc.
Don’t get me wrong. If this is okay with you or these people, then go for it! Be happy in this life.
It just isn’t okay with me. I’ve lived this life many times over a long period of time, and I feel like a bird in a cage that can’t spread its wings.
“How can you keep evolving and shining so much?”
I think one of the most common things people say to me is- “How do these things keep happening to you?”.
I can literally stay in my room all day and my life is still eventful. And it’s not even because I’m an exceptionally active person.
Just. I’m interested in how things work. Why does something happen the way it does? Why do people make specific life choices that make them do it? Etc.
I notice. I ask. I develop conversations.
I enjoy life.
And then things happen in life. Funny things. Not so funny things.
I allow myself to make mistakes and admit my mistakes. I try to feel and work through my feelings and then let them go.
“A cramped butt doesn’t let out a gentle fart.”
If you are constantly tense. Scared. Anxious. Worried. Angry. Sad. Confused. Running around without knowing where, why, or what.
Then of course things are difficult for you.
If you consciously take time here and there to slow down and ground yourself, things become significantly easier and you shine more as well.
None of us are miracle humans, neither you nor me. Things need to be kept in balance.
At certain moments in life, everything is upside down. Then you simply need to look at what can be done to get things back in order.
I am not shining, happy, and positive because I think life is flowers and rainbows all the time. Rather, it is because I allow myself to feel the cruelty and negative sides of life as well.
To see the light, we need to experience the darkness.
Otherwise, what would the light reflect against?
Have you ever turned on a light in a half-lit room? Does that light really give much light?But if that same room is completely dark, how brightly does that very same flame shine then?
But you know, I don’t want to be everyone’s friend anymore
I’ve talked on the blog quite a few times about how I’ve done a lot of clearing out among my friends and family over the past few years.
Where I simply stopped communicating with people. And not by making drama, but by letting them die out naturally – less and less contact initiated by me, etc.
If the other party is not a very good contact person anyway, then it’s quite easy to do.
To some, I just politely told them directly, “You’re a nice person, but not my person and I don’t want to communicate anymore”.
I’ve also written a post about this same topic before – “Great person, cool person, but not my person”.
I want to point out separately that the reason for ending these relationships has generally been a consistent lack of alignment. Where I feel that this person and I are either constantly talking past each other; I feel like I constantly have to over-explain myself; I have been treated poorly or taken advantage of (like using me as therapist); or we have simply grown out of each other as people, which is part of life, because we all (generally) evolve and grow as human beings, and that is okay. Or we are simply very different as people.
I think and find that there are a lot of really nice people in the world. Interesting and inspiring people, but that doesn’t mean we should all be friends with everyone.
At some point, I started noticing a recurring pattern. Me, continuing to grow and move forward like you’re playing Super Mario, going further and further, one level at a time. And then there were people around me who seemed to be sitting at the beginning of Super Mario, replaying the same level over and over again, or simply standing in the same place.
Okay? Cool, you do you and I do me.
Meaning: In the past, I would often try to bring people along with me.
“Hey! Look at this! Such an awesome book and such an interesting idea! What do you think about it?” or “Hey! This event looks really cool, want to go together?”.
And the answer would be: “I’m not interested in that” or “Well… I need to think about it…” (Meaning: a polite refusal. In other words, we never ended up going to those events together.) and many other similar responses.
Deep down, that made me very sad, because those things were genuinely exciting and interesting to me. I was sharing them with people I considered my friends.
But the answer was “no” after “no” after another “no”. In the end, I started going to those events by myself. Sometimes, because of that, I ended up meeting some really wonderful people.
Have I regretted ending these friendships? Sometimes I did, I had been friends with quite a few of them for a long time.
But here comes the important difference: what price are you paying for that friendship? What are you giving of yourself, and what are you getting in return?
What is the benefit to me from interacting with you? What energy exchange do I get?
Quite provocative questions, aren’t they? Selfish, even.
You might be thinking, “Oh my God, how selfish! What do you mean by “What do you get out of this?”
You know, I’m slowly starting to feel like, how many more relationships am I even going to end? 😀 I sound like some super dramatic person who just keeps ending and ending connections 😀
– laughing while writing this here 😀 –
This is like this little game: “Take a sip of liquid every time Agnes says she ended a relationship” :D.
Recently, on my initiative, a communication came to an end, which at first was really good. Our worldviews matched, passion for life, zest for life, etc. Until the pain from this person’s past on a specific topic started to gnaw at him from the inside. Especially since I pressed this place strongly with my essence. And here it is important to understand the difference: it was not something I did consciously, but my essence did it. Who I am as a person, what I am.
In the end, it became a communication where I was present, understanding, trying to hold space, while the person opposite me was withdrawing more and more into himself.
Until it had already been going on for several weeks and I had had enough.
Look, I believe and think that we all have moments in our lives where some past hurtful situation brings up pain or tension in the present moment.
And then it is up to us to decide whether we get stuck in that pain, refuse to move on (which is okay) or we consciously choose to rewrite the pattern of that pain. Deal with that pain. Communicate with the other person. And really allow ourselves to feel that pain/ defiance/ anger and then let it go.
I’ve had several partners where things simply fell apart because their past pain became such a heavy weight tied to their leg that it affected our relationship and eventually broke it.
For one, I was, in the most literal sense, “too good a woman”, because I didn’t nag nor be aggressive – which, for that person’s nervous system, felt too unsafe, simply because they were not used to it.
Then there has been a partner who was so jealous of my business that he completely broke me down mentally, and only after the relationship ended he admitted that he was jealous of my business, because of how passionately I treated it and how fully I devoted myself to it. While he himself was afraid to start his own. Even though he had both the talent and a business direction that was very rare in Estonia at the time and very much needed. He even had financial startup support available for it. But his internal fear ended up overpowering him.
And all of this has led me to the question today, “But what do I get from this communication, this friendship, this relationship?”
Look. We all influence each other. To a greater or lesser extent.
We are influenced by the environment and people. Everything that and who is around us.
I have done a very large amount of work on myself to become the person I am today.
I have made peace with myself on many different topics. I have met and made friends with my ugliest sides. None of it has been easy. In the most literal sense, at times it has been complete agony.
And when someone comes into my life saying, “Wow! You are such an energetic and bright soul and personality. I want to be your friend!”.
Then my question back is: “What do you give me? What value do you bring into my life?”
Because I know very well what I bring with me. It is a whirlwind that brings out in you the feelings and parts of yourself that are strongest in that moment.
Is it sadness or joy? Or are you successful and in a good place? My essence is what amplifies all of it.
And it is not always pretty. There are only a few who have managed to use this trait of mine for something good in their life.
Usually, people have taken me as a kind of witch or someone who reads patterns very well, but then they have not done the actual work needed to change anything.
It is so easy to run to someone who listens, understands, and feels your pain and joy. But the other part is often left out, where you actually have to do the work yourself.
Why should another person get a discount and access to my life and to me as a person, if that person has not done similar work on themselves?
Someone who is stuck in their complaining or in their pain body, who complains, but at the same time seems outwardly happy.
Why should I want to be friends today with someone who enjoys an easier life off other people’s life energy?
No. Thank you. I don’t want that.
Dozens of people can say how kind, pleasant, and wonderful you are.
But if the external is not aligned with what is inside. If your actions do not match your inner mindset. If you are outwardly beautiful but inside empty like a hollow shell, then I’m sorry, but your place is not in my life.
I don’t believe any of us are purely good or purely bad. That is called human nature – we all have both good and bad sides. I am not better than others at all. Still human.
But I refuse and decline all people who take, but do not give back.
If you hang around 5 confident people, you’ll be the 6th.
If you hang around 5 intelligent people, you’ll be the 6th.
If you hang around 5 millionaires, you’ll be the 6th.
If you hang around 5 idiots, you’ll be the 6th.
Choose your circle wisely.
I find that in the world there are people who are friends with everyone, and there are people who are very intentional about who they allow into their lives. Both approaches are valid. We need different ways of being in order to keep balance.
I believe those who have walked a similar path will recognize themselves in this post. Others may experience it as a challenge or even as an attack. Everyone is free to interpret things through their own lens.
For me, the right connections don’t feel like “taking and getting.” They feel like natural resonance – where listening, understanding, shared laughter, and mutual energy flow happen without effort. Where both people show up, and both people contribute.
So today, my question when it comes to communication with people is – what do you bring to my life?
Because I know what kind of things, energy, presence, and spark I bring from myself.
I also know that my mindset, skills, talents, intelligence, passion, and sense of humor are very different from the “typical Marie.”
And not everyone needs to have access to that.
How is it for you with friendship and its quality? Let me know in the comments, I’m curious to read.
With love,
Krapsakas Agnes
Not everyone needs access to your time, energy, or inner world.
Your choices shape your life. Including the things you wear and the messages you carry with you.
Krapsakas exists to support conscious self-expression through meaningful products and ideas.
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