Krapsakas

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This post is based on my personal thoughts on Krapsakas blog (author: Krapsakas Agnes).
It’s not scientific or evidence-based, and it may be triggering for some.
Take what resonates, and leave everything that doesn’t.

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This is already an old pattern for me. I disappear from the blog and, surprise surprise, it usually means one of two things: either I’m in the “back room” cooking up new plans for my work life, or I’m so mentally exhausted that I simply don’t have the energy.
Or I have fallen ill, e.g. caught a cold.
This time, it’s all three.

And I MOVED. Again. This is my THIRD move this year. Some people probably travel abroad fewer times in a year than I move :D.

This one was more or less planned, though. My friend and I had agreed that I would live at her place for a certain period of time. And that time was up.

Which means I’ve now lived in three different counties this year. And once again, I’m in a completely new environment. This time, somewhere between forests and wilderness. There’s a large lake about 100 metres from the house, and thick woods on the other side.

I also caught a cold, had to settle into a new home, and then…
Parapapapaaa – I restructured Krapsakas.

Well, what are you doing with Krapsakas now, Agnes?

I’ve said this before on the blog, but there are moments when I feel like a failed person who has no idea what she is actually doing. Or like someone who tries to do too much for everyone, which eventually means you do nothing for anyone. Aka, you don’t sell anything and you don’t write to anyone.
Because you simply cannot be everything to everyone and exist everywhere at the same time.

On the other hand, every attempt, experiment, new direction and the whole process of being on that path has given me information.
Data, if you will. Data that helps me figure out what I actually want to do and what actually matters to me. What makes my eyes light up, gives me energy and makes me want to keep moving forward in life.

And getting that kind of data is incredibly important. Sitting in one place and trying to figure everything out inside your own head… it just doesn’t really work. Not on a bigger scale, anyway. You need real-life experiences.

Those real-life experiences have brought me to the point where I realised that Krapsakas and Krapsakas Agnes don’t have to be one and the same thing.

Krapsakas is the world. Krapsakas Agnes is the creator.

Krapsakas is the company, the brand, the products, the philosophy, the visual world, and everything I create under that name.
Krapsakas Agnes is me as a creator: a designer, writer, observer, analyst and curator.
It’s the space where I can share my thoughts, observations, inspiration, creative process and simply the things that genuinely matter to me in life.

And because of that, not everything Krapsakas Agnes creates or shares has to be a Krapsakas product. Some things can be part of Krapsakas, some can be inspired by it, and some can simply be part of my own creative work and worldview.

So, in other words: I separated the blog and the space where I express my own thoughts from Krapsakas itself. Legally, the blog still belongs to Krapsakas, but essentially, it is my space. I write, I think, I observe, I analyse and I share.

Krapsakas gives my creativity a world to exist in.
Krapsakas Agnes gives it a creator’s voice.

And maybe this is the distinction I needed to finally notice after all the experimenting, trying and searching.

So yes, Agnes is doing something with Krapsakas again.
This time, though, a little more intentionally.

Coming back to the title

I’ve noticed very similar feelings/thoughts being expressed in internet comment sections lately – life feels so empty. Monotonous. Stagnant.

In the past, my advice to someone saying things like this would have been: “Oh my God! Go outside! Go do something you actually care about! Live!”

Well. I feel like I am living.
I am working on my own business.
I am doing things I actually enjoy.
For the most part, I should be happy.
And yet, with every passing day, everything feels more and more empty.

I’ve also heard the sentence before that “The more you heal and rewrite your inner wounds and old broken patterns, the less motivation and desire you have to do the things in life that used to interest you.”
And I absolutely agree with that.

Years ago, when I was completely broken inside – holy shit! HOW much raw willpower I had. How I pushed myself through things.
Mainly because I wanted recognition and praise from the outside.
But now? When that inner wound was mostly healed.
Add to that my ability or talent to read and see patterns. Patterns in life.
How empty life actually is now?

And I’m not saying this from the perspective of “Oh, I’m depressed now” or “I’m going to go into nature and start taking some substances so I can be ‘one with nature’.”
No-no. Not at all.
I still try to be happy and do new and interesting things for myself.
But there is something missing.

At first I thought this was just my thing. But as it goes in life – you think you have a unique problem, but when you look around a little, you notice: “Oh! I’m not alone at all!”

Maybe it also has something to do with the cycle coming to an end?
COVID pushed us onto the internet. Then came years of mass scrolling. People became more and more empty inside with every passing year. Our souls are screaming inside. Our souls are fed up with the mass fearmongering, wars, fucked-up economy. Negativity. Idiocy.

I feel so genuinely and wholeheartedly tired of translating myself to other people.
About how much I am misunderstood or simply not understood.
Which is why I often hear things like:
“Be polite and proper!”
“Don’t be so polite all the time!”
“Smile!”
“Why are you so sincere and cheerful?”
“Oh my God, you’re so naive! How can you even live like that?”
“Why are you so serious!?”
“You think in such complicated ways!”
“Was that joke supposed to be funny?”
“You don’t understand my jokes at all!”

I don’t believe I’m the only one who feels this way.
I have this feeling that we are all just little pieces in one big game (okay, it actually is), like in The SIMS.

Can we somehow get out of this human SIMS game, please?
What do we have to do?

In summary

Going forward, Krapsakas will stay Krapsakas – the place for products and services. Krapsakas Agnes is and will remain my, let’s say, creator and artist name.
This is where the blog and my content creation live – on the Krapsakas Agnes Instagram account and on Substack.

The last 1.5 years have shaken me up badly. Like sailing on a constantly stormy sea, to the point where some part of me has gotten used to it. Constant nervous system overload.
Constantly having to rebuild a sense of safety and look for a safe place.
A constant feeling of loneliness, even when I’m surrounded by people who simply aren’t my people.

But another part of me is completely fucking sick of all of it.
A brutal amount of extra weight that my body refuses to let go of, no matter what I do – I’m now going from doctor to doctor, giving samples and having tests done to figure out what the hell is going on?
Hopelessness and hope at the same time when it comes to my business.
Numbness and emptiness – but as I always say – “There is no good without bad, and no bad without good.” Everything in life is necessary for something. Periods pass.

I believe things will fall into place. A normal body weight already exists in my energy.
The sense of safety will come back, and my nervous system will normalize.
Eventually, I will also move into a home and environment where I feel really at home and safe.
A little naive, whimsical fighter soul like I am – even if it takes my last breath, I will not give up! Somewhere out there are solutions and answers to my questions, and a life full of colour, spark, vitality, lots of laughter and love.

Until then, I’ll try to show up here a little more often, rather than disappearing for a couple of weeks at a time.
PS! Some cool things are coming to Krapsakas for sale soon – the products are already physically here, and I’m working on getting them sorted out and ready for sale. Stay tuned!

And darling. Let me know in the comments how you’re feeling?
Is there emptiness and that stagnant feeling for you too, or is your life running at full speed and are you filled with love, inside and out?

With love,
Krapsakas Agnes