Krapsakas

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This post is based on my personal thoughts on Krapsakas blog (author: Krapsakas Agnes).
It’s not scientific or evidence-based, and it may be triggering for some.
Take what resonates, and leave everything that doesn’t.

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I feel like I’ve discussed this same topic, or one very similar to it, on the blog from various angles several times, but since the thoughts behind this post have been swirling in my head for a week now and show no signs of leaving, here it is.

A story about how much, and where, we should compromise our character for the sake of others.
Where is the line between toxicity and arrogance? What is the yardstick for determining whether a person is good or bad?

I realize that my self-image and the versions of myself I have carried for the past few years are rapidly disintegrating. This also means I can no longer hide behind that illusory self-image of “Agnes” and my physical body, as I used to do.

As a side note – anyone who has read the blog’s recent posts knows that I’ve been struggling significantly with being heavily overweight for the past few years.
I’ve now received the results of various tests and feedback from doctors; essentially, I am healthy. A few readings are slightly off, but nothing drastic.
However.
I started expressing myself bluntly and honestly to the people I used to let walk all over me.
Guess what happened?
First, the constant puffiness in my face and stomach, caused by stress, disappeared in about a week.
And, paprpapapaaa, my physical body has generally started to visibly dissolve, in very small increments.
Okay, that topic deserves a post of its own. So, I’ll just leave this little shout of joy right here.

Masks

This year, I have lived with 7 people.
Seven people of vastly different ages – children (a friend’s kids) and adults of various ages.
And this has shown me one thing clearly: on the surface, people often seem truly wonderful. Friendly. Helpful. Kind. Likeable.
But real life? Living together day in, day out? That is where you see people’s true selves. Because we can certainly pull ourselves together for a few hours or a day. Or for online correspondence.
But living together, day after day…
Phew!
You see everything – the good and the bad. Every mood. Sadness. Anger. Resignation. Joy. Laughter.
Everything!
And amidst all that, you see the person for who they really are. Some people are genuinely and authentically the person they appear to be during those brief hours or days others experience with them.
But quite a few people are actually completely different.
I have seen it happen time and again: a person who outwardly seems like a bundle of joy to others, the life of the community, always helpful. But without the mask – hollow inside. Or even filled with sadness or anger.

We all make mistakes. That’s called life

I really like the sentence that went something like this: “We all make mistakes. That’s called life. We came here to experience.”

I believe that we all make mistakes in life. Not one of us is a perfect being who never upsets, agitates, or irritates anyone.
We all make mistakes – smaller ones and bigger ones. We fall, we stumble.

For me, the most important thing is this: did you learn from that mistake or error and try to do better in the future, or do you choose to keep repeating the same pattern of behavior?

Oh, how I have quarreled and fought with the people closest to me over the years.
Even stopped communicating. And then at some point, life has brought me together with these people again (not always, but sometimes).
And it’s not like “I have done the right thing and others are to blame”. Pssshhhh.
Obviously, I’ve also been quite a diva at times and I’ve been arrogant.

Time and the wisdom that comes with age

Time adds so much. As human beings, we grow older and gain life wisdom. We are no longer as hot-headed as we were in our youth.
Not always, but often, time helps intense emotions subside, allowing us to view the bigger picture more neutrally.

One thing life has taught me is that there are people you simply don’t click with no matter how hard one or both parties try to maintain peace and harmony. If it just doesn’t work, it doesn’t work and that’s that.

And then there are the people you just click with. You don’t fight, not in the big picture. There’s simply harmony.

Then there is a third “kind” of person – someone with whom you generally get along well, yet there are still moments when you’d like to or actually do tell them to go to hell. Someone you fight, argue, and bicker with. You might even stop speaking for a while. But then, after some time passes, you realize: okay, there was a disagreement on that particular issue. You come back together, talk it through, and reach a truce.

(Oof! I instantly got a case of “offense-induced sniffles” just from writing that sentence down. Clearly, I don’t like swallowing my ego either :D.
“Offense-induced sniffles” refers to a runny nose that comes on incredibly fast, it’s completely clear, and vanishes just as quickly as it appeared. In other words, you blow your nose once, and that’s it. Essentially, the body is expressing a deeper emotion or feeling through it.)

Standards and arrogance

My friend had her birthday this spring, and we played a game (I don’t recall the name anymore) where you had to answer questions on the cards honestly. My friend got the question: “Who in the group is the most arrogant?”.
You can take two guesses as to whether I had the “honor” of being singled out .
Of course I was :D. And no, I didn’t take offense. I just smirked.

Later, another player had to answer the question: “Who in the group would you warn a newcomer about?”.
The young woman who answered was meeting me for the first time that very evening, yet she replied: “Agnes. She is very honest and straightforward”.
I was like: “What? Where did you get that idea?”.
To which she responded: “Well, you said that if someone gives you a gift and you don’t like it (which was also a question I answered earlier), you say so right to their face.” (No one else in the group would have dared to tell the gift-giver that.)
I was momentarily confused and started to laugh. Because yes, that is how I answered.

But there is a difference between being honest about not liking something and deliberately being hurtful about it.
If someone gives me a gift that I don’t like, I might genuinely say: “That’s a nice gift, but unfortunately, it’s not really my style”.
Or: “Thank you for taking the time and spending the money to give this to me, but I don’t use or wear products ordered from Temu”.

That is very different from delivering a verbal “right hook” and then feeling proud of myself for having done it.
For years, I have also held the principle that when I give someone a gift, I try to choose something meaningful or thoughtful.
And if the person who receives it doesn’t like it, I am perfectly fine with them passing it on to someone else. It all depends on the context and the people involved. There are situations where I wouldn’t say anything at all, for instance, with a complete stranger I am only meeting for a moment.

And then there are situations where being polite does not mean quietly accepting something I genuinely do not want.
Just a reminder here: gifts are not only something you give for birthdays and Christmas, but also on other occasions, anniversaries, celebrations, and so on. If I don’t accept something, I also explain why.

and Christmas, but also on other occasions, anniversaries, celebrations, and so on.
If I don’t accept something, I also explain why.
When I first started behaving this way, it honestly felt pretty awful. Sometimes it still does, even today. But I respect myself enough not to fill my home with things I do not use myself and would not want to give to someone else either.

So what we really are talking about here is standards.

Ohh boyyyy, have I received comments about this over the years :
“Well, it is common knowledge that Agnes is practically the queen of standards.“
Or:
“I’ll clean this up before Her Highness has something to say about it.”
Usually, in those moments, I have either smirked to myself or given a little side-eye, thinking, is it really that bad?

This year in particular has given me the answer – yes, it is.

I have actually been getting the same answer for the past few years, but this year it has been reflected back at me much more strongly through my own standards and life choices.

I genuinely thought that people simply had these kinds of standards.
That everything has its place. That your home should always be kept tidy. That people swear, sure, but there is a right time and place for swearing. That you respect other people’s time and keep your agreements. That your clothes are clean and well-maintained. That you maintain good personal hygiene. That you respect older people. That you greet your neighbours. That, generally speaking, you are polite towards other people. And so on.

I think this whole subject has really pulled me in two different directions and created a huge amount of confusion inside me.

Am I actually just an arrogant, cold-hearted, brutally direct bitch with impossibly high standards, someone people are afraid of?
Or am I all of that, while at the same time also being helpful, big-hearted, respectful of others, reliable, gentle, nurturing (and I do not mean that in a bad way), someone who creates warmth at home and gives it freely, who listens and is there when people need me?

A few excerpts from this year:

/ “God, you are so polite all the time! It is so weird! You always say hello and use the formal ‘you’. All the neighbours have started speaking much more politely because of you.” (my upstairs neighbour, who is only slightly older than me)

/ “Thank you! The children were not nearly as polite before and they never used to say ‘auntie’ before my name. Ever since you moved here, people have become much more polite. You can hear a lot more ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.” (another neighbour)

/ Then there was this one situation in a larger group where a man behaved very inappropriately towards me and a little girl (who was in that private event too). I stood up for myself and for the little girl. The girl kept coming and hiding behind me throughout the evening, even though her parents were there. They did not intervene.

/ And then there are the dogs.
My friend’s dogs had been used to me being there every day, going into the yard, giving them attention, scratching them, talking to them. Then suddenly I moved away and disappeared from their everyday life.

They seemed heartbroken. When I went to visit them again, they barely reacted when I called them. And when I tried to scratch them, they would turn their heads away and walk off. It took three separate visits before I managed to regain their trust. One of them softened much faster, the other one was still clearly offended with me.

Eventually, my friend was standing next to me and started scratching the dog herself.
I was talking to the dog at the same time, and eventually the dog softened a little and allowed me to scratch them too. The dog still kept looking away from me while I was doing it, but started making those happy little noises that dogs make when the scratching feels really good.

And no, I did not force myself on the dogs. If an animal does not want to be touched, I leave them alone.

Now we are all friends again. Both of them bark like crazy and jump around happily when they see me.

Why did I bring up these examples?

Look. It is very easy to lose yourself in things other people say about you, especially when those things are directed at you as a person and/or your character.

“Am I actually arrogant!? Do I need to change?”

“Shit! I am such a horrible person! I was very honest with this person and told them exactly what I thought, without sugar-coating it. And they were already having a hard time.”

“See? Because of me, another person has to change.”

I think and believe that we can all become very toxic versions of ourselves in environments that are wrong for us.
I also believe that we are all people who make mistakes. The question is whether we take responsibility where responsibility genuinely needs to be taken, or whether we close our eyes and pretend that nothing happened?

And there is another important nuance here: you do not have to suit everyone or be liked by everyone. There are times, places and moments when you need to be the “bad person”, the villain, the one who says something directly and HOLDS that standard.
Not everyone has to be nice, sweet and cuddly towards other people. We also need people in this world who are willing to say things painfully and honestly, so that another person can change, or so that something in the world, some position or situation, can become better.

One of the reasons I started writing this post was actually the Lemon Lane app, which is designed for women to connect with each other globally, build communities, find mental support partners, and so on. It is quite a new app. But a cool one. I have met several lovely women there.

At one point, I found myself in a situation where there was a very clear contrast between two different interactions. With one woman, I started experiencing strong physical anxiety because, honestly, I did not want to communicate with her. Her anxiety seemed to affect me, and because I did not want to be rude, I kept swallowing my own gut feeling that I should step back from the interaction. And that, in turn, created anxiety for me.

She was actually trying to make better choices and had even set herself the goal of moving to a new environment within a year, which I think is great. At the same time, a lot of our conversations still revolved around how much her anxiety was limiting her life.
“I cannot do this because I have an anxiety disorder.”
“I cannot do that because I have an anxiety disorder.”

I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder myself. I know what it means when anxiety genuinely limits your life, and I know how much work it can take to slowly, step by step, move through it.

So I did not agree with the idea that anxiety has to dictate how you live your life forever. And I said that clearly. At the same time, I noticed myself starting to analyse everything through anxiety again. I was trying not to overwhelm the other person with my own personality and straightforwardness, while also being honest about where I stood. 

Long story short, I felt pretty bad about being so direct with someone who was experiencing such strong anxiety. But I was not telling her: “You have to behave according to what I say”.
I was simply very clear that: “This is where our opinions differ,” and then explained what I thought.

And then… there was another woman, K.

Greetings to you, K., if you happen to read this post.

K. has a fairly complicated physical illness that, at times, makes her quality of life considerably more difficult. But her mentality towards life. The way she deals with it. The way she listens to her body and works with her body instead of fighting against it. The way she continues to move forward professionally as well.

That is the kind of person I want more of in my life. The kind of person I root for. The kind of person I respect.

People who accept the things in their lives for what they are. Process them. Make peace with them. Find solutions. And who are also able to say: “You know what? Sometimes things are really fucked up. I cannot do this. I do not know how. I do not have the capacity. I do not want to. I need a break. My body needs a break. I am going to delegate my work for now and be there for myself.”

And then they come back. And continue with their work. With their life.

Yes. Life throws obstacles in your path, and it is not always easy. But we grow because of it.

So am I somehow doing more harm to the first woman by thinking this way?
What am I actually trying to say with all of this? What is the difference between them?

The difference, as I see it, is this: one person allows the illness or diagnosis to become the framework through which they see what is and is not possible in their life.
“I can not.”
“It is not possible”.
“Everything is fucked”.
“I am going to be trapped in this for the rest of my life”.

Versus.

“Fuck! My body hurts! My body physically will not let me do things.” But at the same time, that person learns to listen to their body. To understand it. To understand how they can support their body and mind.

Attitude.

That is what this is about.

Does life happen to you, or does life simply happen? How do you deal with the problems that come your way?

I think it is okay to live through periods of absolute darkness, to be in your pain body. To be depressed or angry at everyone and everything. To allow yourself to actually feel that feeling.

And then, at some point, to say: “Fuck! How long am I going to sit here in this pain and discomfort!? What can actually help me?”. And then start looking for solutions.

In summary

It is easy to judge. It is harder to understand and see the bigger picture. It is easy to throw dismissive or degrading comments at other people.

Sometimes it is hard to hold your standards. Sometimes it is hard to stay true to yourself without feeling bad about it.

We can all be super toxic in environments that are wrong for us, where we do not fit in terms of our ways of thinking, beliefs, worldviews, sense of humour or attitudes.

It is easy to be yourself, free, happy, playful, dancing, physically relaxed, cheerful, kind-hearted, open and pleasant when the environment around you holds you and supports you.

Where is the line between actually being a bad person and simply being yourself? Where is the ethical line when it comes to the things we say? Are there moments when ethical boundaries need to be crossed?

I believe situations often need to be looked at individually. There are moments and times when the boundaries of good taste and politeness matter. But there are also moments and places where those boundaries need to be crossed, directly and honestly, in order for things to change. Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better.

You should not listen to every opinion people have about your character.

In a rather unexpected way, the biggest and best mirrors of my character have been children and animals.

When adults have made comments about my character behind my back, things like “So domineering!”, “Arrogant” and “So full of themself”, it has been the children and animals who have come to me looking for safety, security, tenderness, warmth, hugs, or simply support.

And they are brutally honest about it.

For anyone who has not spent much time around small children: little children are brutally honest. If they do not like something, if something bothers them, if they do not trust you, they do not hold back. Everything comes out without a filter. And I mean everything!
The good and the bad.

And then there is another thing.

Whom who do people turn to at the end of the day?
Is it only when things are good, funny and joyful? Or is it also when things are completely fucked?
The amount of times I have heard people say nasty things in my back.
And yet, whenever things are genuinely fucked, for some reason I am the person they call or write to.

Because I do not coddle people unnecessarily. I am honest. Brutally honest.
But I stand up for my people. I protect them. I support them. I love them. Sincerely. Passionately.
Which is what makes the whole thing both simple and complicated at the same time.

So, in the wrong environment, we are all toxic, unpleasant and “people who do not fit into the box”. In the right environment the same qualities can suddenly become strengths and our differences stop feeling like problems.

We NEED different kinds of people in this world. How else would we ever be able to cover such an enormous range of professions, fields, subjects and areas that need attention?

Be yourself, exactly as you are, and try to contribute to the world in a way that makes it just a little more human and a little warmer.

With love,
Krapsakas Agnes